Our Empty Nest

Reach Out and Touch

2011-12-18T16:35:00.000-08:00

A lot of people are a little leery of Craigslist. Not Brittany. She’s not only found jobs through Craigslist, she’s bought and sold things and even found friends.

Recently she called me and said she happened to see a posting from a 25 year old girl who had just moved to Charleston and was looking for friends. So Brittany emailed her, inviting she and her husband (and dog) over to a BBQ she was hosting that weekend.

When I expressed a bit of concern about inviting someone from Craigslist, Brittany said, “I looked her up on Facebook first. She looked nice.”

Oh. Ok. So long as she looked nice and was on Facebook.

There are so many strange things about the way we keep in touch with others nowadays. We’re not as bad as the Christmas card floating around the internet of the family of four who instead of looking into the camera have their noses buried in their cell phones, but it always makes me laugh when John comes home from a business trip and Brittany texts him, “I’m SO glad you are home!”

She lives 4 hours away and hasn’t seen him in a month and won’t for another month. What difference does it make to her if he’s in California or North Carolina?

He is a little bit harder to get a hold of when there’s a time change involved I guess. Maybe his trips mess up the ongoing scrabble game they play on their phones. Sometimes I’ll hear his phone beep and he’ll say, “Guess it’s my turn again!”

They do better texting and gaming then long phone conversations. She called one night when I wasn’t home and told John all about her evening adventure. When she called me the next day she retold it all because she said, “It’s not as good telling Dad because he’s always doing something else while I’m talking. You do too, but you’re better at multitasking.”

So I tell her that he was listening because he told me about it, but go ahead and tell me anyway incase he missed something.

Then I go find John and remind him that we are lucky to have a grown daughter that still wants to talk to us! And I’ll take that in whatever form it comes!

Mini Me?

2011-10-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

Brittany has a blog now too. It’s called Blondie by the Ocean. She put a link on her Facebook page and one of her friends commented, “Your mom is rubbing off on you!”

Really? After years of wondering why we had such opposite interests, (I like being outdoors, she likes being inside. I like walking all over big cities; exploring, she likes lying on the beach) could she be turning into a mini me?

I had to go see for myself!

John and I drove down to Charleston for Labor Day weekend. She asked us to come straight to her office so we could meet “everybody”. And we did! They all came out into the hall to tell us how much they enjoyed working with her. Her boss told us that when Brittany took a vacation day one time the office was “so quiet!” And everyone nodded.

I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to apologize for having a daughter who talks non-stop or say “you’re welcome” for the entertainment.

From there we went downtown to the Gallery Crawl, which was a lot of fun. For me. Just like old times John and Brittany got to a certain point in the evening when they got bored and started playing on their phones together while I was determined to not miss a second of the party.

Brittany had called before we left home to say that although she had a coffee maker she didn’t have any coffee. No problem, we packed coffee. But Saturday morning we also found out she had no mugs or filters. She had left them with a few other things at the condo she recently moved out of. So we made a trip to Starbucks.

While John pressure washed her driveway and fixed a few things around the house I helped her unpack and put away several boxes of things she had been storing at our house. Again like old times I had to keep her focused on the mission. Washing all the linens and towels and then cleaning closets we found places for everything.

That afternoon we went down to City Market because I wanted to buy a couple winter scarves I’d seen the last time we were there. Brittany, who already had a couple from there, kept admiring the new colors. I finally said, “Do you want me to get one and put it away for one of your Christmas presents?” She loved the idea and picked out a teal one. Then she picked up a brown one and said, “I think I’ll get this one for me now though.”

And then borrowed the money from me to buy it.

Nope, no change there either.

That night she had a BBQ for us and another couple. I was touched that she wanted me to show her how to make my potato salad. And that’s when I realized, while we were working together in the kitchen, that all weekend we had been talking back and forth. It wasn’t just her telling me everything. She was asking me questions about decorating and cleaning and what I thought about her future plans.

On the way home, John asked, “So do you think she has become like you?”

I told him I thought she was still very much her own person, but one I definitely wanted to hang out with!

Hurricane Brittany

2011-09-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

Yard work doesn’t seem to be agreeing with Brittany. She’s made three trips to Urgent Care since buying her first house. Once for a spider bite (I got a very scary email of her leg with the caption, “do you think I should go to the doctor?), another time she was attacked by an “army of red ants”, and the latest they weren’t sure if it was a tic or not (it had a red ring), but they put her on two different antibiotics anyway!

John told her that if she had done more (any) yard work growing up she would have built up some immunity.

I was a little more concerned. Was her house in the jungle? Brittany assured me it wasn’t; it was just South Carolina where, “you know the state bird here is a bug, right?”

After the news of the latest trip to the doctor, I thought the rest of the day would be quiet. It was a Sunday after all. But while I was making dinner, she called again. They were having another couple over for dinner and had set their new stove on fire. At least she was in the car on her way to pick up Chinese take out (the mahi mahi was ruined) and not to the doctor for burns!

The next morning I was browsing through Facebook comments when my name caught my eye. Brittany was talking about Hurricane Irene heading toward Charleston and she was glad her parents were only four hours away in case they and the two dogs needed to evacuate.

Friends and neighbors were already giving her suggestions about moving breakable things away from her windows and even boarding the windows up. Her boss was updating emergency contact numbers and telling them if it was too windy Friday they didn’t have to come in since everyone had to travel over a bridge. I called and suggested she get all the packing boxes out of her garage so that she could get at least one of their cars inside.

That was when she asked if they could come if they needed to. I said of course, but she should prepare anyway and take it one day at a time.

And Brittany being Brittany; that meant shopping. Later that night I saw she had posted a picture on Facebook. The groceries she bought were spread out on her dining room table: 2 gallons of water, 6 cans of Beanie Weenies and 6 cans of dog food. With the caption “Bring it on, Irene!”

Yeah. She’s ready.

A Homeowner!

2011-08-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

Brittany called me the other morning and said, “There are so many wonderful people in the world!”

She had been shopping at Lowes (the home improvement center) because she bought a house. She had been running into the same woman over and over as she went up and down the aisles and told her bits and pieces about her new house every time she went by. At the check out counter the woman said she had a bunch of hanging plants she didn’t want anymore and offered them to Brittany. Hence the wonderful people phone call.

I’m having some trouble reconciling my image of a daughter who loved shopping for shoes and clothes and had never done a lick of yard work in her life with this young woman who can’t decide if she wants it to rain so she can paint the bathroom or be sunny so she can mow the lawn!

It’s like she became domestic overnight. Suddenly she’s excited to buy a shower curtain and toilet roll holders. And she told me she met one of her neighbors while she was out sweeping the front porch!

The move itself was not without problems though. She was nervous before the closing that something would go wrong at the last minute. And sure enough the day before, her realtor called and said they couldn’t get a hold of anyone in the neighborhood homeowner’s association to see if the former owner was paid up with his dues, so they might have to push the closing date back.

Brittany said she looked up a member of the homeowner’s board on Facebook, friended her, and then messaged her asking for the president’s number. She called the president, who looked up the information, said the man was paid up and Brittany asked him to fax the information to the lawyer. Then she called me to sigh, “Do I have to do everything myself?”

Welcome to MY world!

Soon after moving in she came home with a plant only to find out it was poisonous to dogs (of which she has two). So she put it on top of the fridge planning to take it into work for her desk the next day. As luck would have it a stalk fell off overnight and clearly at least one of the dogs had eaten most of it. Both seemed well, so she took them to “doggy daycare” near her office for the day so someone could keep an eye on them for any reaction. She called me from the car to tell me about that fiasco too. (And for me to say hi to Charlie and Ava who were in the back seat. The dog kids.)

But most of her phone calls lately have been happy and enthusiastic. Like the one about the Lowes lady. As she hung up from that one she said, “Call and tell me about the wonderful people YOU meet today, ok?”

Someone New Enters the Picture!

2011-06-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

Lately people have been stopping me to mention they haven’t seen a Brittany story in awhile. They seem worried we have had some kind of falling out.

I tell them the truth: that she has a fairly serious guy in her life right now and I don’t want to say anything that might embarrass him.

To the person, they told me not to worry about that.

So here goes!

He is southern. Very Southern! He calls me Miss Nancy.

He is two years older then Brittany. Unfortunately for him his birthday is May 9th and hers is May 10th, so this year at midnight she told him, “Ok, your done. My turn!” And that will probably never change.

When she moved to Charleston she felt the need to have a second job to try and pay down some debt, so started working an extra 15 or 20 hours a week at Jersey Mikes. He is a part owner of two Jersey Mikes in Charleston, so that makes him her boss. (Good luck with that!)

He is a dog person, so therefore she is a dog person and I am becoming a dog person!
They now have two. And I get daily pictures and stories about them. This has actually been good for me though because it’s opened my world up quite a bit. I never paid that much attention to dogs before and now I’ve found – well, they’re everywhere! And they have personalities! And some of them are really cute!

He apparently used to be quite frugal; saving money to buy into more stores. Until he met Brittany. Now he spends with abandon on dinners out, movies and of course the dogs. This too will probably never change. And I suppose it didn’t help that one of the dogs ate his wallet. There went some more money…

He puts up with long phone calls home to the parents with much patience, knowing full well she’s telling me everything he says and does. Just like she used to tell her teachers everything about me.

OK, I know what you’re thinking. But she started it!

The final thing I’ve learned about him? He makes her happy and seems to take good care of her.

That’s what I care about the most, and although I can’t speak for him, I’m not embarrassed in the least about that!

Doing Lunch

2011-04-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

I’m disappointed because Brittany is disappointed that she’s not getting a tax refund. Being a mom means not only having your own feelings, but your kid’s feelings too!
Mom’s take “bearing each other’s burdens” seriously!

With her new job we talk during most of her lunch hours now. Her office is out on Daniel Island in Charleston and there is nothing close. So she eats in the conference room and calls me. I’m usually at my computer over the lunch hour, so it works out.

It got me thinking about how much she and I always find to talk about. (Of course Brittany could talk to a brick wall!) But I remembered when she first started talking and we had her in daycare. We’d pick her up and eagerly say, “What did you do today?” and she would answer “Toys.” Then we would ask, “What did you eat today?” and she would say, “Toast.”

Everyday. For about a year!

Once she got going though she never really stopped. She quotes entire movies, conversations and books. She tells me her thoughts, her dreams and her plans. I think I could almost DO her job she’s explained it so well to me! And she tells on herself whenever she does anything wrong because she can’t stand feeling guilty.

Of course I get all her problems. But I also get the heartfelt thanks when I can help!

It does worry me a little that I’m locked into that hour. And my friends will all tell you I’m not the type that “does lunch”. I try to get a little work done while we’re talking, but most of my work takes a lot of concentration. She’s even gotten so she emails me if she’s going to be late. And one time John took his lunch late and called after 1pm. When I told Brittany he was beeping in, she said, “This is MY time. He had his chance!”

Another time I was out all day and felt guilty about it the next day because she kept saying, “Yesterday I said to the UPS man…”

But, I am (and apparently always will be) a mom. This is my real job. And I have a daughter who enjoys talking to me and who can make me laugh and make me cry, giving my feelings a real workout. And who gives me the opportunity to bear another’s burdens.

The Dog Park

2011-02-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

We went to Charleston last weekend to attend a wedding that Brittany was a bridesmaid in. We also went to meet her new puppy, see her new apartment, oh, and meet the boyfriend.

I overheard Brittany’s phone call to John a few nights earlier. Brittany, “Dan is nervous about meeting you.”

John, “Good!”

I told him that wasn’t the attitude he should have going in to the weekend. That if this guy did happen to be “the one” whether he felt comfortable with us would seal the deal on how often we’ll see Brittany in the future.

And I reminded him, “We only have one kid, so holiday dinners could get pretty lonely!”

John was on his best behavior. And the wedding was beautiful and fun. It was a little weird hearing Brittany call someone “honey” though. And more than once!

Brit introduced us to the caterers she knew from her hotel job, to all the wedding attendants and their parents, to the photographer, the minister and on and on. I caught myself thinking, “She really IS an adult now and has made a life for herself!”

On Sunday we four went to church and out to lunch. Then we picked up the puppy, Charlie, to take him to the dog park. I didn’t really know what a dog park was. I grew up without dogs in my family and I pictured a regular park where people walked their dogs.

I was totally unprepared for dozens of dogs in every size and shape running unleashed in every direction within a large fenced in area. So fast you could feel the wind when they went by. Some looked like they were going to mow you down, but managed to miss at the last minute.

But what I had the biggest problem with was how rough they were with little Charlie. He’d be galloping along side of a dog three times his size and then the big dog would trip him so he’d roll in the dirt. Every time it happened I’d instinctively step forward to save him. And Brittany would just as fast put her hand on my arm. “He’s ok! They’re just playing.”

As his beautiful black and white coat became brown and black and I still kept waiting for him to get hurt, I finally asked Brittany, “Don’t you want to take him home and keep him to yourself? Aren’t you worried about him at all?”

She said, “You have to let him loose. He’s having fun! Don’t worry, you get used to it.”

Really?

My immediate thought was, “Not if you’re a mom you don’t.” And it dawned on me I would always feel this way about Brittany and her new life. Protective. Concerned. But most of all watching with love.

Keeping up on Facebook

2011-01-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

A neighbor of mine mentioned that her daughter went to a birthday party a week or so ago and since her husband picked the girl up she didn’t know that her daughter had ridden a horse at the party.

Until she saw the picture on Facebook.

The day we had snow in Hickory, John stepped out of work during his lunch break and took a picture of it with his phone and sent it to Brittany in Charleston with the text “we’ve got snow!”

She replied, “I heard that from my Hickory friends on Facebook 2 hours ago!”

The other night I debated about staying up (or getting up) for the lunar eclipse. I didn’t and the next morning when I saw about 12 comments on Facebook that people couldn’t see anything here because it was cloudy, I was both glad I hadn’t and also glad I knew that I had made the wise choice.

Several Christmas cards this year had very familiar pictures in them. (Yup, I saw them the minute they were taken because they had been posted on Facebook!)

Much of the news in the Christmas letter was familiar too, because whether the person lives in Alaska, Seattle or my home town, Chicago, I “was there” when it happened! (Thanks to Facebook.)

This year I’ve heard right away when old friend’s parents died, (too many!) been there through illnesses and surgery, several births, new job announcements and kids’ graduations. I know what my friends’ houses look like, even if I’ve never been to their town, I know what their kids look like, even if I haven’t seen those friends since we were in high school, and I even know their hopes and dreams.

Some may think Facebook has shrunk people’s worlds because they “spend so much time at the computer”, but it’s expanded mine!

For all the talk about people wasting hours at a time glued to a computer screen instead of getting out and experiencing life, I have to counter that modern technology has expanded my social connections in more ways than I ever could have imagined. I would even venture to argue that it has helped create some “extra” time to enjoy special moments in new ways with those that I love.

Staying Connected

2010-11-11T17:21:00.000-08:00

People talk about how technology today means we are ALWAYS connected – and that it’s not always a good thing. Mostly they are talking about work and how texting, cell phones, emails and social networking make it really hard to take a break.

But it has created a whole new world for parents too. When I was 23 John and I were living in Europe and didn’t even own a phone. My parents heard from me by mail – snail mail!

Today, although I work from home and get a fair amount of phone calls, I’d say a good 75% are from Brittany. Certainly if the phone rings before 7am or after 11pm I know it’s her. And if it rings when she should be getting off work I know I’m expected to entertain her on her drive home.

Even knowing it’s Brittany, it’s still an adventure picking up the phone. I never know if she’s having a great day and wants to share, a terrible day and wants to vent or a new job, new dog, no money or a hundred other reasons.

Although sometimes I can guess by her Facebook status if I’ve read it first.

The other day she was at her boyfriend’s new apartment waiting on a service man to connect something. Her boyfriend was at work and she had the day off, so she volunteered to let the guy in. She called me as soon as she got there and I figured I’d be on the phone with her until he showed up. About 20 minutes into the conversation I asked when he was supposed to get there. She said, “He’s here. He was here before I called you; I just didn’t really know what to talk to him about and wanted to look busy.”

Lately our conversations have taken another turn. I’m back in the travel business, selling cruises, all-inclusive resorts and tours and she of course works at a hotel. Both of us are going through a lot of online training and are always comparing notes.

It reminds me of when I first became a travel agent in my 20s. My dad worked for United Airlines and suddenly the fact that we were both in “the business” opened up a new world to talk about. We would discuss computer programs, destinations, flight schedules, prices and passengers/clients.

Brittany adds her co-workers to our conversations. She really likes a reservationist she works with. She told me the woman reminds her of me: blonde, petite, works out all the time, and (here’s the best part) “her daughter is her best friend.” And then she just kept talking, like she hadn’t said something wonderful!

I’m really appreciating our talks, whether they are text messages, Facebook posts, emails or long phone calls. A year after my dad and I started our travel conversations he died of cancer. I know how special this time is and how important it is to stay connected.

What’s she up to?

2010-09-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

When people ask me what Brittany is doing now, I have to stop and think a minute. That’s because she has changed jobs several times this summer. It’s worried John a little, but I remind him she’s 23 years old and with the broad major of communications and PR and living in Charleston with a minor in hospitality/tourism, she’s finding her spot.

Luckily she doesn’t mind interviewing! Probably because she loves to talk. (And she can talk to a wall!)

She was approaching her one year anniversary as the front desk manager at a hotel, when she thought she might like more regular hours. At the hotel she worked every shift and every day possible, which made juggling her second part time job a little tough.

So she started searching online for what else there was out there, and found a marketing and customer liaison position for Freedom Boats. This is kind of a country club for boaters who don’t actually own boats. As members they can check out fishing boats, pontoons, ski boats, cabin cruisers, etc. Brittany has always loved boats and having grown up on the lake thought she would be a perfect fit.

24 hours after the interview she called and said, “They haven’t called me back yet!” I said, “Brit, it’s been one day!” She replied, “But, I’m worried! I’ve never not gotten a job I interviewed for!”

The next day they offered her the job. She gave the hotel two weeks notice, had one day off and then began her new job. It didn’t take her long to realize most of her days were spent alone in an office with a phone. Customers would call and reserve their boats for the weekends or evenings when she wasn’t there, so she had no real live people contact. And that just wouldn’t do.

So she got online again and found another hotel in downtown Charleston that was advertising for a front desk manager and sent in her resume. They called the next day, a Friday and asked if she could come in for an interview on Saturday. She did that and Sunday they called and asked if she could come in on her lunch hour Monday to interview with someone higher up.

The first thing he told her was they had been swamped with resumes. So Brittany decided to sell herself. (And she had a lot of pent up words from having worked alone the past three weeks!) By the end of the hour the man told her, “Well, I think I’d be a fool not to hire you!”

So after this two week notice she’ll be starting another new job. And maybe it will be a little easier to answer, “What’s Brittany up to?”

At least for now.

Last Hug!

2010-08-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me if I had seen Brittany’s Facebook status one day. I hadn’t, so I signed on and read: “I am convinced that my parents will live longer because I call them everyday and tell them I love them.”

That she believes this wasn’t a surprise because she had told John that one night on the phone. And I really can’t remember her ever hanging up without saying, “I love you.” But I hadn’t known her reason until then.

I read somewhere about an epitaph on a tombstone that said, “She loved lavishly.” That could have been written about Brittany. She loves her friends and family with great enthusiasm and lets us know it in many ways.

It’s nice to be the recipient of that love. It’s nice to have a daughter that gives it like that!

When she was 10 years old she threw an anniversary party for John and I. Luckily the first couple adults she invited offered to bring the alcohol and suggested she ask everyone to bring a dish. Her after school counselor was a cake decorator on the side and offered to do the cake and another couple told her they would send flowers for the centerpiece. It was a great party! And we felt the love!

Of course she also threw a really great party for her roommate’s dog just last weekend. Complete with snacks in cute dog bowls and a cake shaped like a bone. I’m sure Tucker felt just as special as we did 13 years earlier!

But it’s just the way she is.

She tells (and shows) everyone she loves that she loves them all the time. I do think in our case though, based on her status comment, she might be just a touch afraid that if she misses telling us one time, it might be too late. And then it would be her fault!

In a way I was like that growing up too. I still remember as my parents, leaving us with babysitters, would get close to the door; I would jump up and run after them calling, “Wait! One last hug before you go!” I suppose that was my way of saying “I love you” while they were still there.

Just in case I guess.

The Whirlwind

2010-06-17T19:18:00.000-07:00

Brittany came home for a weekend recently. I think! It all happened so fast!

One of her sorority sisters was getting married here and it happened to be the same weekend as our neighborhood yard sale. I’ve only had one yard sale in my life, so I suggested she and I participate in it Saturday morning. (Thinking of the boxes and boxes of stuff she has stored at my house.) She agreed. (Thinking of all the money she needed.)

I didn’t think about the fact that John would be returning Friday night after a week in Germany. And I didn’t think about her inviting all of her sorority sisters over Saturday afternoon for pictures before the wedding. And I certainly didn’t think we’d be selling her old car and buying a new one that day too!

It took me 3 days to set up for the sale. By Saturday morning I was wishing I had never had the idea. The sale was scheduled to start at 7:30. The exact time Brittany had a car appointment to have her brakes looked at. John drove over with her so she could leave the car. Around 8:15 she returned, and not long after that the car place called and said in the near future she’d have to replace a few very expensive things. About that time a friend of hers from Charlotte arrived and talk turned to “wouldn’t it be nice to have a new car under warranty.”

The next thing I knew they were down on the computer with John. I meanwhile continued the yard sale. At 11:00 they were back long enough to tell me they were running to Car Max “just to see” how much they’d give her for her old car.

At noon, John came up and said he was meeting them at Kia “just to look” at what a new car would run. No problem, I’ll finish and clean up from the yard sale. At 3:30, after I had everything that was left put away and swept up, the first of her sorority sisters began to arrive. One by one they rang the doorbell, already knowing her whole story because she had talked to each on the phone from the dealership. At one time or another each of the girls had roomed with Brittany, so nothing surprised or bothered them.

15 minutes before they needed to leave for the wedding; Brittany, Charles and John arrived and one of them was driving an unfamiliar, but very cute, red car named Mia.

Somehow in 15 minutes, the girls swarming around her, she was dressed and made up, we took pictures and they were gone – leaving John and I standing in the kitchen looking at each other, saying, “What just happened?”

Love The One You’re With?

2010-06-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

Texting is a hot button right now. People either love it (those doing it) or hate it (those being ignored by the person doing it.)

Oprah is even throwing her clout around getting people to promise not to text or phone while driving. A good idea.

The last time we visited Brittany, both times we took her out to dinner she was texting through most of the meal. She seemed to think it was OK because she included us in the “conversation” with her friend. She’s not the only one though, and it has always bothered me when people answer their cell phones while we’re having a conversation. I believe that “in person” trumps people who can leave messages.

There was an article in the Boston Globe recently that discussed how kids use electronic devices as a crutch: to get out of social interaction, as an excuse for being rude, or as a way to always appear occupied. The writer called it fauxting. One of the online commenters wrote, “There are worse things in the world than fauxting, but it’s a pretty sad commentary on the isolation that so many feel even in an era of unprecedented connectivity. You may have 600 friends on Facebook but how many do you really know? How many would you want to have lunch with? You may follow hundreds of people on Twitter but how many of them would you follow to the ends of the earth? We are, on one hand, extremely connected, constantly trying to find bonds with another person. And on the other hand, we're insular and isolating with our behavior when we need to actually interact.”

It’s hard to wrap our minds around how Facebook both connects and separates us and how texting and emails keep us up on each others lives, but rarely creates real conversation.

I had to laugh at Betty White’s Saturday Night Live monologue when she called Facebook a great way to waste an afternoon. She said in her day people felt like it was punishment to look at friends’ vacation pictures and pictures of their children and grandchildren.

And yet, maybe Facebook has its place there. I love to look at pictures that friends put up. Maybe it’s the difference between someone inviting you over to “see my home movies” and posting them for you to “look or not”. I also love that on someone’s birthday their “wall” fills up with Happy Birthday messages and that when someone is sick or has a family member who is sick the prayers pour in. It can really be something!

I do think people care. And they certainly want to stay connected. People simply need to concentrate on one thing (or one person) at a time. Just because Brittany can dry her hair with one hand, text with the other and talk to me, doesn’t mean she should.

In today’s world we’re overloaded with ways to interact, but we’ll figure it out.

We’ll have to, because they’re not going away.

Do kids think their parents are supporting actors in their life story?

2010-06-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

Brittany called me to ask if we could have possibly gotten her tax refund because she was online looking at our bank account and noticed a “large amount of money” deposited that day.

First I told her to get out of our account and then I told her we were moving money around to pay for a new roof on our house and if she had waited an hour or so longer she would have noticed the money leave the account again. (And take most of its friends with it!)

THEN I told her that while the government has been doing some really crazy things lately I doubted they would give me her refund.

They might, however, give her ours since they seem to be in the Robin Hood mindset.

John did her taxes for her and it was a bit of a production. She had the three North Carolina jobs from her last semester in college and immediately picked up two new jobs after moving to South Carolina. So he had Federal and two state returns to complete.

Thankfully she isn’t one of the 15.2% of 16 – 29 year olds The Wall Street Journal says is jobless. In fact because of her work schedule we went to Charleston to be with her at Easter thinking she could spend some of her spare time with us.

After a 5 hour drive, long because we blew out a tire minutes from our destination, John and I spent Friday evening at the Art Crawl down in the French Quarter managing to meet up with Brittany after she got off work that night.

Saturday was another work day, so we went to the Farmer’s Market on Marion Square, watched the Easter Bonnet Parade, shopped King Street and wandered around the Market and the College of Charleston while waiting to take her to the beach, dinner and a movie.

Easter Sunday she worked again, so we spent the day at a different beach until she got off and then took her downtown for dinner.

She did manage to introduce us to several new friends along with her roommate’s new puppy, and we were able to deliver her bicycle and an Easter basket, so all and all it was a worthwhile trip even though time was precious.

While I hate she has to work so much, I hang on to my hopes that by doing so she’ll have more money in her own account someday and won’t feel the need to visit ours online.

Maybe she can visit us instead.

Parental Role Change

2010-06-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

Within the period of one week; I taught a Sunday School lesson about empowering the next generation, sat through a sermon and a Bible study on parenting and saw the movie Everybody’s Fine.

The lesson about empowering talked about how our ceiling should be our children’s floor. How we want them to start where we leave off. The sermon and Bible study talked about age appropriate parenting. And one critique of Everybody’s Fine said it is about the relationships between empty-nesters and grown kids starting up their own families. It’s about parents transitioning from nurturers and disciplinarians into passive advisors and awkward houseguests.

I got the message. My parenting role is changing. My daughter is an adult and living on her own.

Brittany has always told us everything. In fact we often laughed about how many times she has gotten herself into trouble because she just couldn’t keep what she did to herself.

But it’s different now. When she calls me up to tell on herself, I can’t really discipline her anymore. I can’t tell her to stop doing (whatever) just because “I said so.” I’ve become more of a peer or a friend who can give advice either because I’ve been there or I care about her. But I can’t “make” her do something anymore.

“Don’t do that because I’m your mom and I said so” has become another one of those things that I didn’t realize is over. At one point when I said it, it was the last time I said it. And I don’t remember which time that was. Just like when was the last time I carried her up to bed? When was the last time I chose what she was going to wear that day? Was it the little blue and white dress with the red bow? When was the last time I reminded her to brush her teeth?

So many last times! And I never realized when it was happening!

I have found a blessing in today’s technology though. Some things are in print and can be saved.

These days, instead of calling as she heads upstairs, “Night! I love you!” She texts me or types it while we’re chatting on the computer. I’ve saved some of her best texts: “I love you more than anything in the world times a million!” and “I love you more than you can imagine. Thank you for everything you are to me.”

And I’m going to save them forever. I’m not going to have any of these be the “last one.”

Bombarded by Technology

2010-05-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

I’m getting bombarded with technology! John has been getting my Facebook updates on his iPhone for about a week. This not only bugs me because he calls and asks about them, but he’s not even a member of Facebook so I don’t know why he’s getting them.

Then the other morning Brittany called and said she accidently paid some of our car insurance online when she was paying a credit card of hers and got the accounts mixed up. She asked if we could transfer money into her account since she had “paid our insurance for us.” (2 weeks early and not nearly enough.)

THEN, John came into my office and said OnStar had emailed him that one of the tires on my car needed air!

My problems used to be caused either by myself or those close to me. Now because of technology there seems to be no limit to who can create havoc in my life!

No wonder my mind is always racing!

In my yoga class we are told to empty our minds and not think about anything. But then the teacher gets us twisted into pretzel shapes and says things like, “Core in. Relax your eyes. Now relax your mouth. Draw your shoulders back. Now breathe.”

Breathe? Is she crazy? She wants me to do all that and still breathe? But it’s true. When I’m concentrating on all that other stuff I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until she reminds me to breathe.

You would think with all her talking and directions my mind wouldn’t be all over the place, but it is.

Doing an inversion near the mirror I find myself thinking, “My face looks really weird upside down!”

Or when doing a forward fold: “My toes look kind of weird too!”

Sometimes in a pose I’ll think, “My arms look graceful – I should have been a ballerina.”

Other poses I wonder, “Could this actually break my body?”

But at least for the 3 hours a week I’m in class I’m able to focus on the present. Live in the moment and forget my problems and everyone else’s. So I suppose it helps.

And later when I’m sitting in front of my computer with messages pouring into my 5 email accounts, Facebook sending me updates via John, a cell phone and a house phone just waiting to ring with some new glad tiding: I can remind myself to breathe. Just breathe.

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A Delayed Christmas

2010-05-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

I’m writing this on Christmas Day. Well, everybody else’s Christmas Day. John, Brittany and I have declared Sunday, December 27th to be Christmas this year. Brittany has to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after. That’s what happens when you’re in the hospitality business.

She had a choice between working Thanksgiving Day or Christmas and chose going to Chicago with us to visit my family over Thanksgiving. Christmas was farther off and could be worried about later.

We told her we would wait until she got here to have our Christmas too. We wouldn’t even open our gifts to each other.

She celebrated early with her roommate and other friends. Before they all went home to their families a few days before Christmas. She worked Christmas Eve from 7 a.m. until 3 p.m. and I noticed on the phone she sounded a little down. It had hit her she’d be going home to an empty house both that night and Christmas night.

I tried to cheer her up, reminding her that after she got off work on the 26th, it would be our Christmas Eve and we still had all of that to look forward too.

Today was worse. In fact her Facebook status was “Worst Christmas Ever!” When she got off work at 3 she drove 30 minutes to a friend’s house to pick up their dog to bring home to “dog sit” overnight. They had just gone out of town that morning. When she got to the house she couldn’t find the dog. Then she noticed the open back door. They had forgotten to close it and the dog was outside in the rain, looking, she said, totally miserable.

She managed to get him in her car and then wrestled his crate in too. It was apparently large enough for 3 people to crawl inside. She finally got him home, cleaned up, dry and settled and then decided to go to one of those movies where you eat dinner while watching. She got there early; picked out a spot way in the back and spread her dinner out. A little while later a family came in; crawling over her and knocking her dinner to the floor. (I THINK this was when she texted her Facebook status in.)

I’m not worried about her having a better Christmas with us on Sunday. The bar is set pretty low and I’ve got lots planned. John and I have had a really nice Christmas while waiting for her too. Church and a friend’s annual Christmas Eve party last night and a neighbor’s brunch this morning where we all watched Santa Claus water ski on Lake Hickory.

He’s still in town because he’s delivering our gifts on the 27th. He doesn’t mind waiting and neither do we. She’s worth the wait!

Being There

2010-04-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

There are still some things you just can’t do over the phone or via the internet. Brittany needed her gallbladder out last month. She had made 3 trips to the emergency room with horrendous pain. Each time she had called me before deciding to go or not. Each time she went and they told her she really needed to have the surgery.

So she found a surgeon who was “precious” and set the date. John and I drove down on a Thursday night after work to be with her. She had to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. for a 7:30 operation. We all got up at 5:15 and I cheerfully chattered to her in the car thinking I would take her mind off of what was coming.

She mostly grunted her answers and when she walked up to the check-in desk the first thing she asked the lady was “How soon can they put me under?”

She is so cranky early in the morning.

The Dr. came out by 8 a.m. and told us she did great. Actually I think he meant HE did great because I’m pretty sure she was just lying there.

But, anyway, we had her home by 10:00 and she was up and around the next day as if nothing had happened. John and I left that afternoon because he had to go on a business trip. It was a short visit, but one we felt we had to make. Just to be there.

I thought about “being there” a few nights later when I was making Rosettes. A special cookie I’ve made every Christmas since we were married. John was out of town still and of course Brittany was in Charleston, so I was making them alone. The first time we made them after we got married John and I figured out the recipe together and he held the iron in the fryer for 45 seconds exactly for each cookie. (Because that’s what the recipe said.)

I remember the year I was expecting Brittany I started out helping, but the smell of the grease got to me and he had to finish alone. When Brittany was little she would be the one to sprinkle powdered sugar on each cookie. Then by the time she was in high school she was frying the cookies. (And not timing them. She’s more like her mom following orders than her dad.)

When she went away to college it was just John and I making them again. And this year just me. But, I made them, because it’s tradition. And I’ll take them everywhere I usually do and give Brittany some too.

I called her while I was making them trying to get a little holiday cheer mixed in. But this year they aren’t quite the same. This year they’re just…cookies.

Because there are some things you just can’t call in.

Motherhood is Terminal

2010-04-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just saw a magnet that said “Motherhood is Terminal.”

Terminal is not a good word. You certainly don’t want to hear it connected to your health. And I’m beginning to think painting the inside of our garage has turned in to a terminal project. It started 5 weekends ago. I just wanted to get rid of some black scuff marks on the moldings and patch up a couple places on the ceiling.

After two coats of custom-colored paint on the walls and trying to patch up the ceiling unsuccessfully; John went and bought a spray gun to paint the entire ceiling and a whole bunch of plastic, tape and who knows what else in the name of “doing the job right.” The second weekend he spray painted the ceiling (and his glasses and somehow the floor in spite of all the plastic.)

The 3rd weekend he tried cleaning the floor. After awhile I went out to the garage and found it empty and still with a spotted floor. John was on his computer ordering epoxy flooring to paint the garage floor. It took a week to get here.

The weekend in between found him cleaning it with some purple liquid, acid and then baking soda to get ready to paint. The next weekend he actually painted it. But after it was done some dark spots appeared where the paint hadn’t stuck. So the company is sending him a patch kit. After grinding and patching he will need to repaint the molding, which got marked up again working on the floor.

We have so far spent over $600.00 on painting our garage – and 5 plus weekends. When I first asked him to do it I pictured 2 cans of paint and a Saturday afternoon!

This SO reminds me of motherhood. Who knew what it would involve starting out! Brittany is 22 and out of college and I STILL turn around in a store when I hear someone call “Mom!” (And she even lives in another state!)

We also remain heavily involved in her life, which like the garage is still a work in progress. But, I can see the garage floor is going to look really cool when it’s done. And I’m not giving up on it in the meantime. Or on Brittany either! Because motherhood IS terminal – and I’m here for the duration!

If you want to buy a Motherhood is Terminal magnet, click here

On-line Banking – The New Apron String

2010-04-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

I heard a radio program about how kids getting out of college today expect to move right in to a house the size of their parents’, have a nice car and a great job. (Not realizing that it took their parents 20 or 30 years to work for those things.) The man on the program blamed the parents. He said in our quest to make things easy on our kids and take care of them we are doing them more harm then good. We’re too ready to give them handouts and jump in to save them from themselves.

The kids grew up watching their parents spending freely and then began doing so themselves; first with their parent’s money and then with credit cards.

Some friends and I got into a conversation about our kids’ spending habits recently. I was a little discouraged when one, who’s twin sons that are several years older than Brittany, told me he still follows their online bank accounts just in case he needs to throw some money in to prevent an overcharge.

Does it never end?

He said he noticed that one son had charged a movie at the $1.00 Red Box Movie Rentals. The charge was for $26.95, so he said his son must have failed to return the movie and therefore bought it. (At twice what he could have bought it for new from Target.)

It seemed like everyone in the group keeps up with their kids that way. One dad rolled his eyes and said “My son had a $59.00 charge at McDonalds! Is that even possible?”

Another watched daily while his son was in Europe. Charges were fairly normal until he got to Wimbledon when there was a several hundred dollar charge. The parents were a little steamed until their son got home and gave them each a Wimbledon logo shirt.

I don’t really want to know what Brittany spends each day. Honest! But she has had a lot of overdraft charges in the past. And she also has been known to play the game, “I’m going to go ahead and charge this because I know this gas station doesn’t post their sales till the next day.” (A game she’s lost more often than not!) And we also have a vested interest, since she’s borrowed a fair sum from us that she still owes. Therefore John watches too and when I hear she’s bought a Coach bag MY eyes roll!

Maybe because of us keeping an eye on her spending and occasionally questioning her about some of the charges; she’s taken a second job to try to pay us (and her credit card) back a little faster. I guess she thinks that the sooner she’s out of debt to us the sooner we get our noses out of her online account.

The second job is a good thing. Not only for the extra money, but every minute she’s working means one less minute shopping!

Call Me

2010-04-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

To all the people who told me not to worry about Brittany getting a job in Charleston – you were right. She arrived there on a Monday night, interviewed with a company that owns 5 hotels in the area on Tuesday afternoon and Thursday morning they offered her a job, starting as the front desk manager at one of the hotels; in training to be a hotel general manager.

While she was waiting for the call back; she unpacked, joined a gym and set up two more interviews, which she ended up cancelling because this was the job she wanted.

So have I stopped worrying about her?

Please! Has my mother stopped worrying about me? I doubt it!

Although Brittany still tells me most things, it seems to be getting harder to get answers to what I want to know.

I recently read an excerpt from a book called How Not To Act Old by Pamela Redmond Satran. It was a fun read and one piece of advice really jumped out at me because it was so true. “Don’t leave a message.”

She wrote that only old people leave voice mails. Young people just figure that the other person will see their number in “missed calls” and call back if they want or need to talk. She said if it’s urgent young people leave a text.

Brittany almost never answers an email from me unless I put in the subject line, “Please answer.” Then I will get an answer something like 1. yes 2. did 3. ok

I rarely hear back if I leave a voice mail and to save face (before reading the book) would end my message with “You don’t have to call me back, I just wanted to tell you this.”

The advice in the book was to say nothing. Just hang up. When your kid doesn’t answer their cell it’s either because they didn’t hear it, didn’t charge it, or saw your name and didn’t want to talk to you. If you leave a long message they’ll get annoyed and won’t listen nor call you back. But, if you say nothing you are speaking their language. Plus, they’ll think your news is so bad (or good) you couldn’t leave a voice mail. So they get curious – and call you back.

The first time I sort of tried this with Brittany it sort of worked. I didn’t want to just hang up, so I briefly said, “Call me.”

She immediately called her dad and asked, “Am I in trouble?”

CHANGE

2010-03-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

Brittany is moving to Charleston, SC in a couple days. No, she doesn’t have a job down there, thank you for asking. And yes, she has a perfectly good one in North Carolina. (One that I wouldn’t mind having!) OK, it didn’t have health benefits and the pay wasn’t that great. But it used every bit of both her major AND her minor and it was fun!

Her apartment lease was up August 1st and to stay she would have to commit to another year. She said on her Facebook page (my not so secret source of information) she was ready for a change. Change. I used to like change…until this last election…

I thought her generation lived in a constant state of change. She and a friend were here last weekend delivering all of her “stuff” for me to store until she’s settled and he wanted to get his tires rotated at Sears. She suggested he call to see if there was a wait. He said he didn’t know their number. I handed him the phone book and HE LOOKED BLANK! Brittany said, “We usually just google numbers on our phones, but our phones are in the car.”

As she went out to get hers, he was flipping through the yellow pages muttering, “What do I look up; cars, autos, Sears?” I showed him the grey edged pages and said, “A little secret. With businesses, just go here and look up their name!”

While they were out they bought Brittany a GPS system for her car so she “wouldn’t get lost driving around Charleston for job interviews.” I told her I use Google Maps and it works perfectly fine. And it’s free! We did have fun while they were programming it though. I thought it should be my voice saying, “Don’t forget! Don’t forget! Turn now!” John thought it should have a male British accent. It took awhile for the system to acclimate itself and we joked that when it came out of the box and thought it would be working in Hickory it went into shock. It had hoped it would have an easy life in some town where the roads made sense.

So people have change every day. It doesn’t take a move anymore to have something different. Congressman Patrick McHenry sent me an email with a link to a You Tube video of a speech he made. USA Today just reported that Jewish people are now “tweeting” their prayers via Twitter to the Western Wall in Jerusalem! Everyone has to change all the time to keep up.

I read a movie review about a romantic comedy, which said, ‘In spite of the predictable ending it was a pleasant movie.” Why is predictable bad? I like happy endings! I like knowing there will be a happy ending. And I predict Brittany’s move will have one.

I’ll let you know!

The New Job

2010-03-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

Brittany’s job is in full swing with no time for a learning curve! She managed her first wedding the last weekend in May. It was held outside by the lake and was beautiful. (I know because she sent me pictures.) Everything went according to plan except that earlier in the day the bride had gone to her house to get dressed and locked her keys in her car with the wedding dress inside. Bear Lake Reserve has no cell coverage so she couldn’t call her car’s emergency assistance to open her door. Her house was quite a distance from the Lake Club where everyone else was setting up the wedding so she decided to sit down and wait until someone came looking for her. An hour later they did and had to break the car window of her brand new BMW to get her dress out. Other then that; a perfect day!

When I talked to Brittany today she was buying 10 picnic tables for an old-fashion 4th of July BBQ. On her shopping list were also garbage can lids. Just the lids. Her boss thought it would look neat to pile the corn on the cob in them. She was also working on a Family Olympics Day for the weekend before and busy Googling ideas for games.

Every job she’s ever had has prepared her well in customer service, so she was the calm one; not at all surprised, when on Father’s Day 3 times as many people who signed up for the golf tournament and dinner just showed up. “No problem!”

While she can handle all of this with style and grace there are still things she leaves to her parents to take care of. Like finding her health insurance. The one negative about her new job is it doesn’t offer any. So John started doing the research; reviewing 16 policies. I was so glad I’m not a single parent! I can not make myself read terms and conditions! After a couple weeks and a lot of hours he found her one that wasn’t too expensive and got that checked off her list.

So I thought the least she could do was help me with something I was having a problem with. I wanted to get one of those Andy Warhol type pictures where you send in your photo and they make it into Pop Art. I had sent in headshots of each of the 3 of us. Hers came back saying it was too small, so I looked through all the pictures I have of her and they were too small too.

I called her and asked if she could get a friend to take a picture in the right size and email it to me. I could almost see her eyes roll and clearly heard the sigh. But, she sent it. And it was still too small. I called her again. Eyes rolled. Sighed. Sent another one. This one was taken outside and her face was in the shadow. A couple days went by before the third picture arrived with a message. “If you don’t like this one the next one’s going to be of another part of my body!”

Luckily this one was just fine because I knew she meant it and I sure don’t want her on the wall ‘cheek to cheek’ that way between John and me!

Her Future is Bright!

2010-03-17T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s over! She’s graduated!

I found the ceremony quite interesting. Lots of the kids decorated the tops of their hats. Hers said “THX RENTS”, which is the same thing her car license plate has said for years. (Short for Thanks, Parents.)

Students and parents alike were all texting each other. This sounds kind of rude, but it helped us find each other and take pictures. One of us would text her, “Wave and smile.” She would and we’d take a picture. It sure beat the old “scream at the top of your lungs until she hears you” routine. After about an hour of hundreds of names being read and listening to (thankfully) short speeches, it was over!

The 3 of us went on vacation a couple days later for a week and had time to talk about the future. Her future of course. Like, “You do know car insurance, rent and doctor bills are your responsibility from now on, right?” The one thing we still have, although she’s paying for it, is her cell phone bill because it’s less expensive for hers to be part of a family plan. Even then it’s not cheap because she has a Blackberry.

I don’t have a Blackberry.

I should insert here that I don’t want a Blackberry either. John will read this, think I want one and buy it for me for Christmas. He does stuff like that. That’s how I ended up with that weird upside down tomato garden!

Anyway. Brittany is ready to be independent. Her future is bright. She’s got a job at Bear Lake Reserve near Cashiers as their Events and Communications Manager: writing their newsletter and blog and planning all their events and weddings. For the time being she’s staying in her same apartment. In looking back at my “Brittany stories” from her Junior and Senior years, one thing that really struck me was her staying at school the summer between sophomore and junior year. From then on school became a little more home than home was.

I didn’t know how to refer to it while we were on vacation though. “When you get back… to school? (It’s not school anymore, but I wasn’t ready to call it “home” yet). I kind of settled on, “When you get back to work” or “back to your apartment.”

Because this will always be her home.

Best of Brittany

2010-03-13T05:43:00.001-08:00

On May 9th Brittany will graduate from Western Carolina University with a BS in Communications; a concentration in Public Relations and a Minor in Hospitality and Tourism. The next day, Mother’s Day, she will turn 22.

Needless to say, this has made me a little nostalgic. I’ve been sitting here re-reading the 45 articles I’ve written about her since she left for college almost four years ago and I thought it would be fun to share some reflections from her freshman and sophomore years this month, and next month; from her Junior and senior years.

We can see how far she (and her mom) have come!

The first article I wrote featured thoughts about when baby boomer parents become empty nesters. What is so different about it happening to this generation is the Boomers and Millenniums are tight. We doted on our kids, who grew up feeling wanted and valued by us and we were heavily involved in their lives. In fact the boomer parents of college kids have been given a nickname: Helicopter Parents. Because we “hover.”

So naturally, when they went off to college, we would do everything we could to remain a part of their lives. We learned to send text messages; we joined Facebook and maybe even My Space. We chatted on our cell phones multiple times a day. And we were also a competitive bunch: my second article was about Parent’s Weekend at Western and how the parents arrived with armloads of gifts and took their student out for a nice meal and an afternoon of shopping. A pretty expensive visit, but worth it to us to hear our kid say, “Today was great! You guys should come up more often.”

By the end of Freshman year, just when we were getting used to a house that stays clean and a laundry basket that was never really overflowing. They came home for summer. With all of their laundry and all of their new-found independence.

It takes some adjusting, but we begin to realize how fast it all goes and start letting things go a bit.

Some things haven’t changed since I first wrote about them. But, some others maybe have gotten worse. Like the government, Brittany’s debt is border line out of control. But, on the bright side, she still hasn’t gotten that tattoo she threatened me with sophomore year. She still loves her sorority and her many “sisters.” In fact she told me they just had a ceremony where all the graduating sisters became alums. My sorority didn’t do this, so I asked her what that meant to her. She said that now, the rest of the girls have to stand up when she enters a room.

Just like the Queen! She’ll like that!

Her sophomore year also inspired an article I called “Do College Kids Still Need Their Parents?” Well, that’s one of the things that hasn’t changed. I’m happy to report, as we proof read job resumes, discuss graduation plans and look forward to a family trip to Mexico the week after she graduates - they most certainly do!

Communicating with Kids Their Way

2010-02-26T10:15:00.000-08:00

I’m on Facebook because of Brittany.

She stores all of her photos on her Facebook profile and walks me through them on the phone. For this to happen I would have to sign in under her user id and look at one, which would kick her off the site, then she would sign in again to see what I was looking at, which kicked me off.

Needless to say this took a long time.

So I joined Facebook to get my own login. I didn’t create much of a profile except a picture and a little blurb about where I had gone to college and where I live now, but it allowed us to both see her pictures at the same time.

Then Brittany started sending me “bumper stickers” and “writing on my wall”.

The last time she wrote on my wall she was 3 years old and she got a spanking!

Before I knew it friends of hers started asking me to be friends. Then they started writing on my wall!

Somehow classmates from college and even high school started finding my profile and I decided to make it a little nicer. I called Brittany to help. She began by adding my maiden name for those people who knew me the first 21 years of my life and wouldn’t have a clue who Nancy Geiger is.

Then she discovered messages I didn’t know I had in sections of the profile I didn’t know existed. She cleaned that all up for me. At one point while working on it she said, “Only one of your friends is online right now – I guess it’s kind of late for them.” (It was 11:00 pm. She meant my friends are old.)

Then out of the blue she said, “Dad says hi”. I knew he wouldn’t be caught dead with a Facebook account so I thought maybe he was texting her. He was out of town on a business trip and always texts her goodnight before turning his phone off.

Turns out she was chatting with him online while working on my site and talking to me, apparently keeping it all straight. So the 3 of us “talked” awhile.

USA Today had an article not too long ago about the latest Facebook fad, the pass-it-forward viral game "25 Random Things About Me." 25 Things arrives as a Facebook note from a friend. That friend posts 25 facts about himself and "tags" 25 people and asks them to do the same thing.

I was already spending more time on Facebook then I wanted and this reminded me of a chain letter so I wasn’t interested. Until Brittany sent me hers and I read #22.

“My parents are two of my favorite people in the whole world-- I'm so lucky to have them.”

Who says kids don’t know how to communicate anymore just because their way of “reaching out and touching” is different from our way? Works for me!

Puppy Love

2010-02-24T10:45:00.000-08:00

I grew up without ever having a pet. We were a family of 5 children and looking back, I’m surprised the subject never came up. But, it didn’t.

By the time I was an adult I just wasn’t all that interested. I would watch people walk their dogs and stand and wait while the dog did his thing and then have to scoop the mess up in a little plastic bag and think “Who would want to do that day after day?”

Brittany’s friend recently bought a two-month-old Jack Russell Terrier. She went with him to pick up the dog from Georgia and emailed me about 20 pictures of Addison (Addie).

She did look tiny and cute.

A couple weeks later the friend was passing by close to Hickory and wanted to stop to introduce us to Addie “while she was still a puppy.”

There had never been a dog in our house before. I have white carpets and white sofas. But, he walked in carrying this tiny little thing that only weighed 2.7 lbs and had huge brown eyes and a tail that wagged a mile a minute and put her in my arms…and I was hooked!

I was surprised by how light she was. She immediately burrowed her long nose into the crook of my elbow and went to sleep. I figured that meant she trusted me. I carried her the whole visit except when I thought she might be thirsty and filled a small bowl of water and stood her on the floor next to it. She drank for several minutes and I found myself entranced watching her! On her 4 little feet she was even cuter than rolled up in a sleepy ball.

I hated to give her back at the end of the visit! The following week Brittany called and said they were going to her friend’s dad’s horse farm the next Saturday and could they spend Friday night with us on the way. I said of course and she warned, “We’ll have Addie.”

I said “Great!” I couldn’t wait to see her again. And when they left her with us to run some errands I got down on my hands and knees to play tug of war with her. Sometimes I just followed her around while she explored. (Even on the white carpets!)

It finally made sense to me why people treated their dogs like family.

I’m not sure if this has made me a dog lover or not, but I do know that this particular dog has totally won my heart!

Money, Money, Money

2010-02-17T12:41:00.000-08:00

The first morning Brittany was home for Christmas she had a dentist appointment. I gave her my credit card. When she got home she told me about a woman there who was getting all veneers and how perfect they looked. She said, “I’d like to do that!”

I said, “So would I.” And took my card back.

Later she asked if I minded if she would get her eyes checked, as they had been feeling kind of dry and tired lately. She was able to get an appointment that afternoon. I pulled my card out again. She called after her appointment to tell me the Dr. gave her a prescription for glasses to wear when she’s reading or on the computer and could she look at frames and lens?

She’d only been home a day and my bank account was at risk of a major dip!

I try not to think about 4 months from now when she’s out of school and on her own. I’m not sure it has sunk in yet that she’ll be paying her own rent, car insurance, doctor appointments, etc.

Her dad and I have been after her for a year to pay off her credit card and also pay us back all the money she’s borrowed for “emergencies”, so that she’ll start out with a clean slate in May. That hasn’t happened yet.

Part of me feels guilty whenever I think about it. After all, I have more money then she does and she is my one and only. Maybe it’s time for a Parental Bailout? Surely I love my kid more than the government loves Wall Street and the Automobile industry?

Or what about tithing? We give to our church; maybe we should give her 10%. She’s needy.

Parenting doesn’t get any easier as our children grow. I have conversations back and forth in my head about it: “So much of her money goes to gas for her car.” “Well, I paid for the car.” “She’s working 2 jobs.” “She’s working 2 jobs because she loves to spend money!”

It’s hard to watch and not just write her a check. I imagine God feels the same way, watching us make mistakes and knowing He could step in and fix them with no real effort. But, then what would we learn? What would she learn?

When will she learn?

She really doesn’t seem to expect us to just write her a check. And besides, having debt doesn’t even seem to bother her that much. Maybe she thinks that as an only child she’ll inherit everything when we die and she’s just waiting…

I wonder how long it will take her to spend it all?

Christmas Traditions

2010-02-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

Brittany will be home for 5 days over Christmas and I’ve been planning how to make every minute perfect. (Christmas is all about faith, right?)

She has often let me know how important traditions are to her. Usually after I’ve forgotten one. I googled tradition for some help. An article in Christianity Today, said, “Big or small, traditions add richness to our lives. They give us common ground with others. They give us touch points, times and events to remember fondly. They help us feel secure when things around us aren't. Tradition is about creating a safe haven away from the world.”

I thought I’d better ask her which Christmas traditions were really important to her, so I didn’t mess up.

She emailed me back that she loves making rosettes, which I’ve done every year since before she was born. From the time she was about 10 until she graduated from high school she took over the frying part while I powdered them with sugar. Every time someone mentions rosettes it reminds her of the small burn scar on her wrist. In fact I’ll bet she just stopped reading this to look at it again. Right, Britt?

Anyway, we can’t do that together this year because I’ve already made them. I needed them to take to Christmas parties weeks ago.

Her next favorite tradition she said is the Dessert Open Houses I had. Note had. I haven’t done one in about 4 years. The baking consumed the entire month of December so now I am all about volunteering to host the potlucks for different groups I’m in!

The next tradition she mentioned was putting up the Christmas tree together the Sunday after Thanksgiving, having a holiday meal, movie and one gift to kick off the season.

She had to work over Thanksgiving, so John and I went to my relatives in Chicago.

So far I was striking out. I thought I might borrow a tradition from my family. One of the things I remember the most while growing up was my mom color coordinating my sisters (twins) and me (11 months younger). She never had to put a tag on a gift because Debbie’s gifts were always wrapped in red, Barb’s in blue and mine in green. Our pajamas were white with the appropriate color buttons; our bikes were white with the appropriate color handlebars. There was never a question about what belonged to whom!

The only problem with that was I got really sick of green. And Brittany’s an only child.

I got back online and finally found what I was looking for. On a site called AskMen.com a Mr. Mafioso wrote about holiday traditions: “Ultimately it’s about coming home.”

So maybe we’ll just make a really great cup of coffee on Christmas morning and open our stockings and gifts. We’ll all stuff the turkey and get it in the oven, go for a walk, call all of our relatives, have dinner and play a game.

Because that’s what we always do.

It’s our tradition.

College Kids Concerned Too

2010-02-12T13:00:00.000-08:00

Brittany’s first experience voting in a Presidential election reminded me of my first time. We both voted for the loser. On election day she told me that Facebook had a running poll where the people who voted would say who they voted for and she said it was running neck and neck: about 1 million for each candidate. She laughed when she read me one boy’s away message on his profile page, “Gone to vote. Don’t forget those of you who are Obama supporters, your voting day is Wednesday the 5th”!

I don’t know why I was so surprised that the college kids were actually worrying about who would win. But, they seem to have grasped the fact that the outcome would really affect them. I got to thinking about different issues that concern adults and compared our reactions to college kids today.

The economy – It’s always been almost a cliché that college kids never have any money, but I don’t see that today. They may be broke, but they have credit cards and know how to use them. Actually, they don’t know how to use them, which is why I used Brittany’s credit card debt as an example when I explained America’s financial crisis to her. I must have done a good job because she asked me if she should apologize to America for causing the problem.

Having money coming in has never been a problem for Brittany; she’s always had 1 to 3 jobs at a time since she was 16. But, like the government, it’s the uncontrolled spending that’s the problem!

Gun control – Something I never think about, but I found out she’s pretty nonchalant in that area. The Secret Service was having a training seminar at the hotel she works in. While checking them in one of the men asked if there were security cameras where his car was parked. He leaned over the desk to whisper that he had $10,000 worth of ammunition in his car.

When she told me about it she said, “I don’t know why he thinks that’s such a big deal. Doesn’t he know he’s in Cullowhee? 80% of the people drive around with that much ammunition in their trucks!”

Social concerns - Brittany called one day and said “Thank you for being a good mom.” Knowing there must be a reason behind the statement I asked what was going on. Apparently the campus was having an awareness day for all kinds of abuse. She said there were clotheslines strung where students hung up pages they had written about some abuse they had suffered in their lives. She said for a relatively small school there were lots of papers. It made her sad. The group promoting the cause was collecting money and she gave them her last dollar.

Good thing they didn’t take credit cards.

Only A Phone Call Away

2010-02-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

When Brittany got around to using the blender we recently gave her and realized she had received our older one she called to ask why we hadn’t given her the new one?

John told her it’s called “hand me down” not “hand me up”!

She has become quite domesticated since she moved into her apartment. She calls often with questions about recipes and ingredients. She also delights in buying new kitchen items and calls to describe them to me as she unpacks them from her shopping bag: a pink skillet, 15 lemon scented trash bags, etc.

One day she offered to make dinner for a friend at his apartment. The idea was she would have it ready when he came home from work. All afternoon she called me with questions about the recipes and then I got this call:

Brittany: “I set fire to the stove!”

Nancy: “Is it still on fire?”

Brittany: “No, but it set the smoke alarm off and I didn’t know how to stop it so I ran next door to ask the guys there to come over and help. They did, but I’m afraid to use the stove again. He’s got tin foil on the burners and I think that’s what caught on fire.”

Nancy: “Um…take the tin foil off.”

Brittany: “But, doesn’t that keep the burners clean? He might get mad.”

Nancy: “Tell me again what I’m paying in college tuition?”

I never know what she’s going to talk about when she calls. One night she called me and asked what movies I want to see someday. As I mentioned titles she would tell me the whole plot. She’s really good at mimicking people and can completely recite entire scenes. Often I’m disappointed when I actually see the real movie.

Other times she calls just to vent about something. This usually ends up making her feel better, but then I’m the one who’s stressed when we hang up!

After she called for the 3rd time one day venting she said, “I’m so glad you only had one kid – I can’t imagine if I had brothers and sisters taking up all our time on the phone!”

Me either!

Senior Year!

2010-02-03T16:36:00.000-08:00

Brittany has started her senior year and she says she “should” graduate on time. There was a point a couple years ago where she said she might do a “victory lap”. That’s what the kids call a 5th year.

Everyone is a spin-doctor nowadays!

She moved into an apartment 2 weeks before school started. Right before the move she called to ask when we were coming to visit. She had been wanting to get us out there to see the resort she was working at all summer.

I said, again, we would, but this time she pinned me down. “When? You’ve got the fundraiser coming up that you’re chairing and then I start school. It needs to be this weekend!”

So it was.

After she knew we were coming, the calls changed. “Do you have any extra silverware?”

“How about some extra dishes? Pots and pans?” “The apartment has a full size bed and all my sheets are twins. And do you have any extra comforters?” “You have 2 blenders, could I have one of them?”

Actually I kind of like having a blender both in the kitchen and the wet bar.

The problem is I’m a bit of a minimalist and the minute I decide I have something I’m not using I take it to the Salvation Army. So I don’t have a lot of “extra” stuff.

But, my mom had done the same thing for John and I when we got married. We had gotten a lot of really beautiful, but useless, wedding presents so she loaded us up with all the items Brittany was now looking for. My mom set a pretty high standard to follow. When we were building the house we are in now she would fly out to take care of then two-year-old Brittany while we picked out ceramic tiles and carpet. And as an expert seamstress she did all my window treatments.

Could I not, at the very least, give my child one of my blenders?

So I started looking around the house and began to pack boxes with things I thought Brittany could use. It immediately became fun and I was surprised how much I found.

When I was talking to John about it, he too remembered my mom’s constant help. He said the neatest thing he remembered was the time during our first six months of marriage when she drove from Chicago to Ft. Sill, Oklahoma with a pot roast for us!

Show and Tell

2010-02-01T18:10:00.000-08:00

Brittany called the house phone the other day and since I had been talking to her on my cell phone just a few minutes earlier I asked if she was trying to reach her dad.

She said, “No, I was just playing Parental Lottery!” As usual she was walking between classes. And also as usual she was holding multiple conversations and getting me in the middle of them. I think half the kids at Western have said “Hi Mom” to me!

Brittany has always been using me for show and tell. Maybe that’s why I like writing about her – pay back!

I remember one time when she was 10 we were in Jamaica and toward the end of our week’s vacation I badly sunburned my lips. I actually didn’t know I had done it until I woke up the next morning and they looked like Goldie Hawn’s lips in the movie ‘The First Wives Club’!

And this was before women started paying big bucks for that look!

I was sitting out by the pool reading later that morning with a big hat on, keeping my face down and out of the sun, when I saw four little pairs of feet stop by my lounge chair. I heard Brittany’s unmistakable voice say, “She just woke up that way this morning!”

Then Brittany’s face appeared under the brim of my hat. “Mom, can my friends see your lips?”

Some of her friends text John and I now. I find this rather painful because it takes me forever to type out a simple reply. I would much rather email and am always grateful when our text conversation comes to an end. One day Brittany called John to scold him for not answering several texts from one of her friends. She informed him that proper etiquette for text messaging is to never ignore, but always answer them.

Who knew?

I guess, when I really think about it, I like that she wants to share us with her friends. It must mean she’s not ashamed of us at least. But, I asked her once, what did I ever do to deserve such a pedestal.

She had to think a minute, but then replied, “Well, you married really well and you birthed really well!

Can’t argue with that. When she’s right, she’s right!

Look at Me!

2010-01-25T18:03:00.000-08:00

I was recently listening to Greg Laurie on the radio and he mentioned a USA Today poll of Millennials, young Americans born after 1982, who said what they wished for most in life, is to be rich and famous. We certainly see this with You Tube and some of the crazy things that go on. But, I thought it was interesting that he related it to the fact that this generation of kids grew up with a camera in their face every time they did anything. First smile, first tooth, first haircut, first day of school, first job…

They were also rewarded for everything they participated in. Many groups created special awards so that everyone in the group got one for something and no one felt left out.

This has added to an “everybody look at me” mentality.

The daughter of a friend of mine went on a trip to Europe this summer with a high school group and my friend told me she had to sit and look at the 350 pictures her daughter took when she got home.

I had a similar experience when Brittany got back from the Alpha Gamma Delta International Convention in San Antonio a couple weeks ago. Except ours was done long distance. Brittany uploaded around a hundred pictures to her Facebook profile and then connected by phone and the internet, we went through each picture as she told me who was in it, what they were doing at the time, what they had ever done in their past and on and on.

I was not allowed to look ahead and she would quiz me on what I was looking at just to make sure I hadn’t.

Some of it was quite interesting. They took 17 charter buses of sorority girls from the Marriott River Walk to a ranch for an evening of BBQ, hayrides and games. One of the games was an armadillo race and she had lots of pictures of the contestants. I had never seen a live armadillo before! Who knew they were so round? John and I lived in Oklahoma for a short time and the joke was that armadillos traveled north from Texas to commit suicide on Oklahoma highways. They certainly were never round when I saw them!

Brittany also pointed out a picture of 5 of the girls standing by a long horn steer. She said right before the picture was taken, one of the girls said, “This isn’t a good angle for me.” To which Brittany replied, “Your standing next to a cow! You look good!”

I saw the close ups of the martinis from the Martini bar, a picture of an 85 year old woman who had been an Alpha Gam for 67 years and one of the tour guide on the river cruise who told the girls that if they got a little crazy that night and fell in the river, they should “Just stand up. The river’s only 3 feet deep.”

But, better then all that I also saw in my daughter someone who isn’t a “look at me” person, but a person who is genuinely more interested in other people. And I liked that.

Staying in Touch

2010-01-20T18:01:00.000-08:00

A story in the paper recently caught my eye. In 2006 a law was enacted in North Carolina, which made it illegal for kids under 18 to use their cell phones while driving. The Insurance Institute ran a very low tech study, where they basically watched teens leaving the school parking lot and came to the conclusion that most kids still talk on their phones while driving.

It doesn’t surprise me. Brittany can’t stand being without her phone. When she was in Mobile, Alabama earlier this summer she didn’t have her laptop and cell service was spotty, plus she was tied up with seminars most of the time. On her breaks if she was lucky enough to stand in the right spot and get a signal she would call us to check her Facebook profile to make sure she wasn’t missing any of her friend’s birthdays or they hadn’t left her any messages.

Some people think that technology has made the kids less social, but I think the opposite is true. Between the internet, texting and cell phones, Brittany is in contact with her circle of friends all the time and can tell you exactly where they are, what they are doing and most likely even what they are thinking!

She was glad to get back to school and start her two summer jobs. Until she found out the one where she would be spending the most time, a lake resort, has no cell service. But, except for being out of touch with her world during those hours, she’s having a ball. She’s the activity manager and she drives people around the lake on pontoon boats, rides a sea do or a golf cart on errands, heads up bingo by the pool, makes popcorn and s’mores for the younger guests, leads hikes, sets up picnics and was even told by her boss that if a guest wanted to sit by the pool for an hour talking to her, that was part of her job description! Brittany has found her dream job! She’s getting paid to talk!

She even carries a walkie-talkie to communicate with other employees. She can’t call us on it of course, but there are lots of hours she works her other job or is on the road in between and she usually calls as soon as she drives into an area with service.

One day John poked his head into my office and said, “You are home! I was just talking to Brittany on the phone and she asked me to tell you something. I said you weren’t home, but she insisted you were, because she had just gotten an email from you. I can’t believe she’s two hours away and had to tell me you’re in the next room!”

What did we ever do before all this technology?

Parents aren’t done when their kids turn 21

2010-01-16T09:49:00.000-08:00

New parents are often told that this little baby, this precious gift from God, is theirs to nurture for 18 years.

It’s a lie.

Even 21 years isn’t exactly the truth, because the statement leads unsuspecting parents to believe that in 18 or 21 years their job is done. All those years parents are headed to the light at the end of the tunnel and when the 18th birthday comes they find that the tunnel is a little longer then they expected. Then the 21st birthday comes and that light just keeps getting farther and farther away.

Brittany turned 21 Mother’s Day weekend. The weekend before that she went to a wedding in Charlotte and drove through Hickory on the way to trade cars with her dad so he could take hers in for some work.

This was ok, because she wasn’t 21 yet. It was still our job to take care of her, and John had been taking care of her car since she got it. The problem was he only had Saturday and Sunday and the list was long and the service places weren’t open long enough, so her car didn’t get fixed.

Sunday when she returned to trade back, she had another project for him. She had left her cell phone sitting next to a glass of ice water overnight and the condensation from the glass created a pool of water that her phone sat in long enough to destroy it. Luckily John had just replaced his own cell phone and we hadn’t donated it to charity yet so he gave it to her. This involved an hour at the cell phone store getting help transferring the information and registration from her phone to his.

But, that’s ok. She was only 20. Not an adult yet. Our job was to take care of her.

The next weekend she arrived home late on her birthday. 21! The light!! She would only be home for a day because her sorority was sending her to a Leadership Institute in Alabama on Monday morning for a week where according to the brochure she would “develop her personal skills and explore what it means to lead with integrity. Assess her strengths as a leader, learn the value of feedback and reflection, and understand the dynamics of power, communication, and teamwork. Most importantly, she would develop a bold and challenging vision for herself and for a group or cause that she cared about. She would practice communicating her vision and learn how to bring that vision into reality.”

And “Bill Gates is a graduate of the course”!

But, Brittany hadn’t taken the course yet and arrived home without her camera (she borrowed mine for the trip) or her suitcase. All her clothes were clean and folded in a laundry basket. I asked her how she could forget a suitcase when she was flying to Alabama? She said she didn’t forget, but hers was full of stuff and under her bed at school. So my suitcase went along too.

Then as we were getting ready for church Sunday morning she came in my room to ask if she could borrow my black cardigan. I told her she had already borrowed it and took it back to school with her the last fall. She said, “Darn!” Which was exactly what I said a month before when I wanted to wear it and realized where it was.

The next day, after being 21 for an entire day, she drove to the Charlotte airport in my car so her dad could have a whole week to work on her car.

In a strange way I was actually kind of happy about it all. 21 years has gone by too quickly and I’m thinking that light can stay out in the distance a little bit longer after all. No matter what they say, it’s nice to know she will always be our baby.

Pets

2010-01-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

Brittany’s fish died. I knew when she told me she got them; they wouldn’t be long for this world. My mom never let us have pets when I was growing up. Now I’m convinced it’s because she knew about the family gene.

We can’t keep houseplants or pets alive. Most of my houseplants have slowly been replaced by artificial. I have a few live ones left and I try to leave them alone. The really sad thing is; some of my artificial plants are even losing leaves!

So even though I read a study that said interaction with pets can positively influence
children's health, emotional development and schooling and that; 40% of kids with pets sought out their pet if they were upset, 40% looked for their pet if they were bored and 85% regard their pets as a playmate, I was always the one Brittany came to when she was upset or bored and I was her playmate. Who needed a dead pet?

A couple times as an adult I did buy fish. I think they are pretty. But, the last time I came home with 2 gold fish I named one Friday and one June and both were gone by Sunday.

Brittany got hers as a door prize at a party her sorority had. She called me all excited about how cute they were and all the little things she had bought for their fish bowl home. When she told me she named them I knew it wouldn’t end well. She named them Pi and Chi because they were from a Greek party. (Get it?)

A few weeks later she texted me that they were floating upside down.

When I called her she was guilt ridden. She said the water had gotten dirty and she thought maybe they ran head first into each other and died from a concussion. I told her I didn’t think so.

I tried to tell her that fish just don’t live very long, without telling her our family has a bad gene. When she finally said, “Well, maybe I won’t get anymore fish.” I thought we were home free. But, then she said, “Really I’d like a dog. I think as soon as I graduate, that’s what I’ll do.”

I have a year to talk her out of that. In the meantime her 21st birthday is coming up Mother’s Day weekend and she’s coming home for it. I haven’t decided exactly what I’m getting her yet, but I know it won’t be alive!

Spending and the Stuff of Scholars

2010-01-11T11:58:00.000-08:00

Brittany can spend money faster then anyone I know. It’s a good thing she enjoys working so much because she’s not a saver and supporting her life style will be an on-going thing. (Unless of course her parents die early and leave her everything. She might be able to take a little break then.)

She skipped spring break this year to work everyday at the hotel, hoping to pay off a couple bills. We decided since she wasn’t coming home we’d get the ceilings redone in our kitchen and family room. The night before the painters arrived we had everything cleared out of both rooms and John couldn’t resist having a little fun with her. He took a picture across the empty space and sent it to her with the text: “We’ll leave a forwarding address.”

The phone rang within seconds. She didn’t think it was funny.

After we admitted we weren’t moving Brittany scolded us for adding to her stress, which was already high because the hotel was scheduled for its annual inspection the next day. She told us about all the activity going on to prepare for the inspector’s arrival. Every housekeeper was on duty deep cleaning the rooms and they had even given Brittany a walkie-talkie to let them know if the man showed up early. Brittany was studying the front desk handbook so she could answer any questions he might ask her, like how many frequent flyer points she should be giving to someone when they checked in. She said she had post-it notes hidden everywhere.

We asked her the next day how it went and she said the front desk got a 1000 out of 1000 and that the inspector had told her boss that Brittany could be a Rhode Scholar. Brittany asked, “What does that mean?” and her boss replied, “It means, if you have to ask, he’s wrong!”

After our painters left, Brittany’s story of the housekeepers working so hard inspired me to do some spring cleaning, especially in her room, which I’ve only been giving a lick and a promise the past 2 and a half years. The first thing I threw out was a cactus I’d bought and put on her window seat when she went away to school. I bought it because I didn’t think they needed water and I knew I wouldn’t be upstairs much with Brittany gone. I guess they needed some water though!

Then I started going through some of the stuff she left behind: lots of tanning oils. SPF 4? Why even bother? And tons of nail polish! Every color of the rainbow. I remembered the time she talked me in to painting my toenails blue. I hated it! She said, “It makes you look so with it!” I said, “It makes me look like I have no circulation in my feet!”

Looking over her collection of stuff I had to smile. Brittany buys the way she lives: she has to try everything!

When I got her room done, it looked great. But, empty. I miss my little Rhode Scholar!

The Fan Belt

2010-01-09T14:14:00.001-08:00

I thought fan belts only made noise when they were wearing out or broken. Brittany never thought about them at all. The last time she was home she went out with a friend the night before going back to school. They were just going to drive around for a quiet talk.

She called her dad from the road, “My car is making a really weird noise.” They went back and forth with Brittany doing her best to describe it, but they couldn’t figure it out. They finally agreed that John would take her car to church in the morning since he had to be there early and she would ride over with me and leave for school from church because she had to be at work by 3pm.

Neither of them thought about the stacks of nicely organized items in the laundry room ready to be packed neatly into her car for the trip back to Western.

And it was pouring rain on Sunday morning.

Brittany had brought home even more laundry then usual this time. While she always says she’ll do it, and I know she means it, I’ve ended up sorting and folding it every visit all by myself. I usually wash it right away because she comes in the door saying she has nothing clean to wear, and then I end up having even more loads to do before she leaves.

By that Sunday morning I had done all the laundry (twice) and had it and all the things she needed to take back to school neatly stacked in the laundry room ready to go.

John left before we got up, without any of her stuff and didn’t hear anything unusual while driving her car. I carried her stuff to the garage and carefully loaded it into the trunk of my car hoping it would stop raining by the end of church. It didn’t. We made dozens of soggy trips between my car and hers transferring everything. I was still trying to keep it all in some kind of order, while Brittany was gathering up armloads and throwing!

As she slammed the hatchback door down, gave me a bear hug and drove away I shook my head. Brittany had been born on her due date and that was pretty much the last time I had control of the situation!

Oh, the fan belt? She took it in to the dealer near her school and he asked her if she ever drove without the radio blaring. She had to think hard and said “maybe once” (the night she was with her friend and heard the strange noise.) He told her the noise she heard was just a normal whirring of the fan belts.

Rush

2010-01-07T14:55:00.000-08:00

Brittany spent the first two weeks of this semester living out of her suitcase. Western Carolina has Rush right after Christmas break and she was a one of the girls who removed themselves from their sororities to work with the girls going through Rush.

They couldn’t have anything on their person or car that showed which sorority they belonged to and couldn’t live in their sorority house or have contact with their sisters during that time so they wouldn’t sway the voting for or against the Rushees.

So Brittany spent a couple nights with a friend in an apartment, another with a friend in a dorm, a few with some friends who have a house and even one night with a couple of the other helpers on sofas in the Commons building.

I didn’t like it much. And I thought the timing, at the beginning of a semester when they should have been focusing on really getting in to new classes, was a poor choice. But, no one really asked me what I thought about it. My job as mom was to listen to Brittany vent day after day: share how one place didn’t have wireless so she was at the library at 7:30 a.m. checking her emails, how another only had 1 key so she could only be there when the other girl was and she had to “hang out” on campus most of the time. Even the struggle it was to get a shower! And of course all the rush activities.

I looked forward to the final night of Rush as much as she did! Would Saturday night ever come? But then she called to tell me how excited the Rushees were when they found out which sorority they got and how excited she was when she pulled off her t-shirt at what they call the “revealing” and she had her Alpha Gam t-shirt on for the first time since before Christmas. And how her sorority sisters were so glad to have her back they painted her car with “Alpha Gamma Delta” and messages and hearts.

And I remembered the week before my Freshman year at Iowa State, going through rush. On the last day when I found out I got my first choice, Kappa Delta, they put me in a group to walk over to the KD house. As we came around the corner toward sorority circle, there were all the KD’s standing on the porch singing and when they saw their new pledges they started jumping up and down and screaming before running over to surround us.

And I knew that the two uncomfortable weeks Brittany had been through didn’t really matter. This was worth it. And decades later it would be times like this she remembers about college. Not sitting in class.

A Short Christmas Visit

2009-12-21T16:22:00.001-08:00

Brittany had a month off over Christmas, but because she works at the hotel in Dillsboro, she was only home for 6 days. Both John and I were ordered to take the 6 days off to play with her and give her undivided attention the whole time.

2 nights before she came home she called us from work to share that the hotel lobby was overrun with little kids in pajamas and robes who were going on the Polar Express. (The train that runs between Dillsboro and Bryson City was having a Christmas theme ride.) John and I picked up the phone at the same time, which of course delighted Brittany. Two parents for the price of one!

After she had chattered on for about 20 minutes, she interrupted herself and said, “Where did Dad go?”

“I’m here.” He said.

“Then why did you just text me?” She asked.

“Because I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.”

It is a little hard to compete with 2 Geiger women in the talking department!

She arrived home in the middle of the night Christmas Eve. I knew she was here when I got up because when I went out to get the newspaper I tripped over 6 pairs of shoes. (One for each day of her stay?) It’s interesting to me that the only time John leaves his shoes at the door is when Brittany’s home. All week long I was climbing over shoes! After she went back I had to retrain him again.

One time I walked by the kitchen counter and Brittany had her cell phone and her ipod charging. Later I went by and there were two cell phones and 2 ipods charging.

I couldn’t resist. I added a 3rd set. Mine didn’t even need charging, it just looked like fun.

We had a great week and luckily she made it back to school before it snowed there. Since she was scheduled to work at 7am both of the days they had snow the manager of the hotel insisted she stay there so she wouldn’t have to drive. He even let her bring one of her sorority sisters who was back and they had a great time with the indoor pool, hot tubs and watching movies.

Unfortunately one of the mornings as she was turning things on she set off the fire alarm at 6:55 a.m. Why she had to wake us up to tell us about it after waking up an entire hotel I don’t know. But, while she had us she did share how great it was to just walk downstairs to work.

We told her we’ve been doing that for 5 years and didn’t even have to get dressed!

Learning Life’s Lessons in College

2009-12-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

Brittany has learned an amazing amount of things at college so far. And most were outside the classroom. I think school in general is designed to be this way. I remember once in about 6th grade Brittany had to do a science project and decided she would test whether plants grew better using Miracle-Gro or not. So she bought two identical plants and over a period of eight weeks she fed one Miracle-Gro and the other just water.

At the end of eight weeks, both were dead.

In writing up the report about the project she answered the teacher’s final question: “What did you learn from this?”

She wrote, “I learned that Lowes will take back dead plants within a year if you have your receipt.”

In just the past few weeks I’ve seen how she has made huge strides in organizational skills, accountability and leadership. Brittany was in charge of planning a “Something of Value” risk management weekend for all the sororities. She set up all the International representatives coming in; where they would stay, what they would eat, did all the publicity and led a session during the weekend; all while managing to work her shifts at the hotel and hopefully getting her homework done. She learned how much she can accomplish by planning ahead.

That Sunday night was the last meeting of her year as president of the Panhellenic Council. All the girls in all the sororities are required to come to one meeting per semester or they get fined $30.00. They have 16 meetings per semester to choose from. Brittany sent a message out to all the houses that because of fire code, the room only held 45 people, and if they were planning on coming they should get there early. When the room was full they would lock the doors and start on time.

The room did fill up and they did lock the doors and start the meeting. Unfortunately the doors were glass and every few minutes another cluster of girls would try to open the door and shout in frustration when they realized they were locked out. Brittany said she felt her neck break out in hives, but went on with the meeting, because, “people have to learn to plan ahead and follow the rules.” She learned that leaders aren’t always popular all the time.

Last Friday night she called me as she got off work at 11:00 pm. She wanted to tell me about a wedding party that arrived at 7:30 for their reception and there was no food there. The caterers had apparently set up the party at the wrong hotel across town. By the time that was all straightened out and the party was going along on its own, she said 2 buses from Cherokee arrived to check in, closely followed by a church bus. For the next several hours she was kept busy checking people in and delivering pillows and cribs to various rooms. Now she was on her way to the store to buy baking supplies to make cookies for her sorority’s formal the next night. She was planning on baking them still that night because she had to be back at work Saturday morning at 7:00 am and she would only have time to get herself ready for the dance when she got home. She’s learned to take things in stride, keep her sense of humor and keep plugging away.

I love watching the evolution, but sometimes it makes me feel a little slow. I’m still trying to learn not to immediately say yes when she calls and asks, “Will you do me a favor?”

Because it always costs me money.

The Fundraising Never Ends

2009-12-03T13:31:00.001-08:00

A friend sent me one of those pass along emails recently. It was called ‘Parenting Description’ and set up like a classified ad for a job. It was pretty funny; listing things like, “Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.” and “Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next” and “Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.”

I was surprised they left out “Parents must buy not only from every fundraiser that their child participates in, but from all the children of every friend and neighbor who buys from your child!”

Recently Brittany called, asking if she could have my Christmas card list. Doubting that she was going to surprise me with writing all my cards this year, I asked her what she planned to do with it. She said she needed to send out fifty letters asking people to donate to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, which is her sorority’s philanthropy.

I told her I thought that it was a good cause, but I didn’t really like the idea of her using my list of friends to ask money from. She told me all about the St. Jude video she saw: how they never charge people who can’t afford care, how they take the little bald children with cancer from one appointment to another in little wagons and have toys everywhere to get the kids’ minds off being so sick. How it made her cry.

So I scanned two random pages from our church directory and emailed it to her saying, “Here’s 110 names, have at it.”

Sorry guys.

When Brittany first started selling Girl Scout cookies I had no idea that selling would be so much a part of her life. And buying so much a part of mine. After the cookies came; cookie dough, fruit, magazines, wrapping paper, car washes and raffle tickets.

As they get older it just got more expensive. Letters started coming from kids going on mission trips, internships and studying in other states and countries and they needed funding.

I really thought that we would be done with that in college, but apparently not. In fact I’ve seen the writing on the wall that it may never be over. One of her friends graduated this summer and is now selling BMWs in Raleigh.

He’s already called.

It’s For You

2009-12-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

Frequently phoning home from college, most of the time it doesn’t seem Brittany cares which of her parents she talks to. Either one will do. Many times we have sat at the dinner table and the kitchen house phone will ring. During dinner we usually screen calls, but often Brittany won’t leave a message because it’s not like she has any real message. A second later we will hear John’s office phone ring. Then my cell (usually in the kitchen drawer.) And then John’s pocket will ring.

We usually answer at that point. In fact one time we put her on speaker phone, pulled out another placemat, set the phone on the placemat, made her say grace and just talked with her through dinner.

There are times when she only wants (needs) her dad and times when she (needs) wants her mom. Twice lately I’ve answered John’s cell when he’s left it lying around:

“Where’s dad? My car won’t start!”

“Quick, get dad! I just dropped my phone into a glass of soda!”

When she specifically calls me it’s usually, “He hasn’t called me in 12 hours! Should I call him?”

No.

Or recently, “This 80 year old lady staying at the hotel called the front desk to say there was no Kleenex in her room. I looked everywhere and we were out, so I offered to bring her a roll of toilette paper. (Since it was 10pm at night and I was working alone and couldn’t go to the store.) The lady actually said, “What the ‘blank’ do I need a roll of toilette paper for?” Mom, what kind of 80 year old lady talks like that?”

None that I know.

She once called to complain about a friend who only talks about himself and never asks her how she’s doing. I said, “Really, people are like that?” She caught my meaning and said, “I always start by saying, “What are you doing?””

So I quizzed her. “What was I doing when you called?” Silence.

A friend of mine whose son is a freshman in college this year got a “need” call from him. He told her he had done laundry for the first time. (I think this was about a month after he left home.) He said he forgot to put detergent in and asked her if his clothes would stink? She told him that she didn’t know, because believe it or not she had always used detergent. She did solve his problem by signing him up for laundry service.

Brittany doesn’t call for laundry advice, but she often calls while she’s waiting on it to finish washing or drying. This is a great time for her to catch me up on who said what to who and why. And I usually give in to the inevitable and mop the floor or clean out a drawer while remembering to say, “Really?” or “Huh!” at appropriate times.

John just snickers because his calls are usually short and to the point. Fix and move on. But, you know what they say…a mother’s work is never done!

The Send Off

2009-11-23T18:37:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago USA Today ran a story about how long freshman parents are staying at the colleges when they drop their kids off. It used to be parents would drive up for a day; help them move in, set up their room, maybe run out to buy a couple things they hadn’t realized they needed, take the kid to dinner and leave. Now apparently some are coming the night before and staying! One college president said they have started holding “final” question and answer periods for parents the day before classes started and a “farewell reception” as hints to get the parents to leave!

It was suggested that parents nowadays feel the need to make every milestone in their kids’ lives a huge event. Everything is bigger and more elaborate. Look at proms. And remember when grooms had their bachelor parties in a local bar or a friend’s house? Today we hear of them flying off to Las Vegas for the party.

It was also suggested that in some cases the parents were trying to make up for not being there very much the first 18 years of the kid’s life and felt that the college send off, if big and emotional enough, could make up for that.

And then there are just the parents who can’t let go. Of course there have always been parents who can’t let go. John graduated from West Point and it was a well- known fact that when General McArthur was a cadet his mother moved to West Point for four years to be near him.

The whole thing cracks me up.

I could tell you my belief that parents are like this because people live through other people’s lives too much instead of their own. Whether it’s reality TV, their fascination with celebrities or living vicariously through their children. But this isn’t that kind of column, so I won’t.

Even though I think it’s true.

We love Brittany, but after 12 years of making sure homework got done, “sleeping” with one eye open until she came in at night and falling over her shoes every time we came in the door, John and I were ready for the next stage and when we took her to school as a freshmen we related more to the ad we’ve seen in magazines where a teen-ager is standing on a street corner surrounded by luggage and a car is driving away.

The text says, “5:00 pm. Drop kid off at college. 5:05 pm…what kid?”

Oh… you mean the kid whose number is first on my speed dial? The kid whose picture is in every room in my house? The kid, who even two years later, John and I still ask about first after we’ve been apart? “Did Britt call?” That kid?

Upper Classman

2009-11-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

Brittany’s back in school and since she’s got five 8:00a.m classes; the 7:30a.m calls have started again! On the first day of school she called me as she got on the campus shuttle bus and we talked until she got to her classroom door. As she was getting off the shuttle I heard her say to someone else, “Yes, that’s the library” – and then back to me – “Freshmen…they’re so precious! There’s a HUGE sign right out front that says “Library”.

At the end of that day I got another call from her: “Mom, I need you to say a prayer!”
“Oh, ok – what’s the matter?”
“I need you to pray that the school shuttle bus comes because I’ve been standing out here for 20 minutes and I’m HOT!”
Juniors…they’re so precious! They think everyone is just waiting around to jump at their commands.

One of the classes she’s taking for her hospitality minor is hotel front desk. Yes, I guess I’m paying for that. I’m not sure why, since she’s been working at a hotel’s front desk since last spring. I told her she’d better get an A.

That job has actually given us lots of opportunities to communicate all summer.
Sometimes by text like the one I got in the middle of the day: “Thank u for being wonderful! I luv u!” I called her to ask what the occasion was and she said she had just checked a family in and the dad was being mean to his daughter, which she said made her appreciate her parents.

Then I got a call one Sunday morning as I was headed out the door to church. She told me about a mom who was dropping her freshman daughter off at Western and was sobbing so hard as she checked out she tried to pay her hotel bill with her Home Depot card. That made Brittany miss her mom so she called me.

Another time she called to tell me about the men who were staying for a week in the hotel while they put security cameras up on campus. She said one guy would quietly walk up to the desk everyday, wait until she looked up and then he would put a fresh peach in front of her, smile and walk away.

A different experience was the woman who called down for a plunger. Brittany put one in a plastic bag and kept her fingers crossed the woman would take the plunger at the door. But no, she invited her in. The woman did use the plunger herself – still in it’s plastic bag. So Brittany had to put the whole wet mess into the trashcan to carry it back downstairs.

She’s kept me entertained with her stories, but the reason I share these is to remind people to be careful how they act in hotels. Front desk clerks have phones and some have moms on the other end of the line!

I don’t mind the calls; I just wish she wouldn’t be so perky at 7:30a.m!

Summer's Over

2009-11-15T19:53:00.000-08:00

The ads are up for back-to-school sales and many of our friends are counting down the days before sending their kids off to college. I’m not sure if it’s because Brittany stayed at school this summer or what, but the fact that summer’s almost over stuns me.

She’ll be starting her Junior year soon, which means her college experience is half over!

She’s come home a few times for a weekend or a night, and on one of those Saturday mornings John thought he would surprise her and wash her car before she got up. As he was washing it he noticed her inspection sticker had run out in December (!)

When he told her she would need to get it inspected as soon as she got back to school she reminded him that between her jobs she works from 9 a.m. until 11 p.m. everyday. “Impossible. No way.” So they decided that since she would be passing through Hickory two weeks later for a concert in Charlotte, they would trade cars until then. Oh and by the way since Dad was getting hers inspected would he also mind getting a short list of things done to it while it was still under warranty, which would run out in 300 miles…”Thank you, Daddy.”

Sunday night Brittany drove back to school in a little convertible with a full tank of gas. Monday morning John drove off in an SUV, on fumes, to get it inspected and worked on!

Two weeks later they were both happy to switch back to their own cars! In fact each looked like a rental car employee circling their car looking for dings or damage!

As Brittany drove off that weekend the on hold music she chose for my calls to her cell phone kept playing in my head. From the song "Red High Heels": “I bet you want me back now don’t you, don’t you? I’m about to show you just how missing me feels….” And I thought that even though she has become so independent it’s nice to be there to help her out when she does need it, but how much longer would that be?

A couple days later she called to tell us how she was changing her uniform at the Subway to go to her next job at the hotel and since the bathroom there was occupied she stepped into a closet to change and accidentally locked herself in. She used her cell to call 411 to get the phone number of the connecting gas station because she thought the boys she worked with at the Subway might just leave her in there if she called them. So the gas station owner rescued her.

And I realized - she may be resourceful, but like all of us she’ll always need help!

Brittany Meets Some Colorful Characters

2009-11-10T17:54:00.000-08:00

Brittany sent her dad a picture from her phone of a bouquet of flowers a young man had sent her. She said his name is Sexy Steve.

John immediately texted her back that under no circumstances is she allowed to date anyone whose first name is Sexy!

And he meant it.

Yes she’s met some characters in western North Carolina this summer! Like the man she checked in to the hotel where she works who was flossing his teeth at the desk the entire time! Or another who demanded a refund for his room when a storm knocked out the satellite TV, but decided to stay when she told him she was baking cookies for the guests and he asked if he could get a glass of milk with his.

One nice couple checking in for Western’s student orientation was from Hickory. When she told them she was also from Hickory they looked at her nametag and the husband turned to his wife and said, “This is BRITTANY! The one we’ve been reading about in the paper for months! We know all about you!” And proceeded to have a long discussion like old friends.

Most of the really colorful folks are the ones she meets at her gas station/convenience store job though. There’s an old man who sells knives off the front of his red pickup truck in the parking lot everyday. He walks around with several thousand dollars in his shirt pocket and brings his little dog into the store setting him right up on the counter to show how he can play patty cake.

Brittany says she smiles the whole time and then when he leaves gets a spray bottle of bleach and cleans the counter because they also sell food from the same counter. And live bait. One person buys a dozen donuts, the next a dozen crickets. Real crickets! She won’t go near them. She and the girl she works with have a deal that Brittany catches the minnows (also bait) and the other girl handles the crickets. Even so, she says she is really going through a lot of antibacterial soap!

Apparently everyone in town runs a tab at this place. The first day she worked there a little kid came in for some soda and said, “Put it on muh dad’s tab.” Not having been told anything about tabs she wrote down the name and amount and opened a drawer to put it in so she could ask her boss about it later – and saw about 300 other pieces of paper with people’s names and amounts written on them!

When we visited her a couple weeks ago we did stay in the hotel where she works, one eye out for flossers. We also went by the Subway, her third job, to meet her co-workers there, but passing by the convenience store on our way to a hike we didn’t stop. Not for donuts, not for bait. Too many stories, too much information. We did however leave her with two bottles of antibacterial soap we had been carrying around in the car. As her mother it was the least I could do.

Brittany is staying at school this summer

2009-11-01T18:28:00.001-08:00

Brittany is staying at school this summer. The hotel she has been working at wanted her year round and since her sorority house stays open and charges for her room all summer it made sense.

After her overloaded schedule this past year I was afraid she would be bored during any downtime. Especially since there are only five girls staying in the house. I suggested she take a class to get a hard one out of the way, but she opted for taking on a second and third job instead.

People always ask me if she works so much because she pays for her schooling. She doesn’t, only her sorority costs and spending money. However she spends a lot of money!

She does get over a little bit though. We just got next fall’s tuition bill in the mail and I thought it had gone up again. Until I looked at the itemized list and saw that they had included her parking tickets!

Besides the hotel front desk position, she also works at Subway and a gas station convenience store. Several days a week she works nine to three at one place and three to eleven at another. Luckily they are two blocks apart and she has permission to clock out of the first a few minutes early to change and get to her next job.

John and I were laughing trying to remember the old TV show about a small town where the same person worked in every position. We think it was Petticoat Junction or Green Acres. We have visions of a tourist coming into Dillsboro: Brittany checks them in to the hotel their first night. The next day they decide to buy a sub for lunch and there’s Brittany again making their sandwich. Later they fill their car with gas and there she is again ringing them up!

I just read an article about the Millennials, the group of kids born after 1982 and how bosses need to re-think their job force because these kids refuse to “pay their dues” doing menial jobs. Brittany has never been like that, whether she is unloading a busload of suitcases for a group staying at the hotel or hosing down the floor and scrubbing bathrooms at Subway – she’s always done what needed to be done.

John and I will be visiting her for Father’s Day weekend. We decided if we stay at her hotel, let her feed us lunch and fill the car up with gas before coming home we’ll be able to share some quality time with her.

I also want to talk her into using a different name on each of her work nametags. It would be fun to mess with customers just a little. I was thinking maybe: Billie Jo, Bobbie Jo and Betty Jo.

Not a teen anymore!

2009-10-31T19:17:00.001-07:00

On May 10th my baby will turn 20! I can hardly believe it! She called me a couple weeks ago because she had to do a timeline of significant moments in her life for one of her classes. Since I have all the photo albums at home she wanted me to look through them and remind her of some of the highlights.

Maybe it was looking at all the pictures of Brittany as a baby and little girl, or maybe it was remembering that John and I got engaged when we were 20, but I am really wondering how she grew up so fast!

I told her the first significant moment of her life was being born on Mother’s Day. The doctor had told me my baby should be born “around Mother’s Day” somewhere between the 7th and 14th of May. Well, I thought having a baby on Mother’s Day sounded pretty cool so I told everyone that was my due date.

I almost thought I would end up a liar when that Sunday progressed with no sign of anything happening. To cheer me up, John took me out for a Mother’s Day dinner and as we were finishing up I told him I thought we should go to the hospital.

36 minutes after we walked in the door Brittany was born. Not only do I have to thank her for not making a liar out of me, but a 36-minute labor was pretty nice too!

Of course I’ve never been able to say like some moms do during an argument, “How can you treat me that way when I was in labor with you for (fill in the blank) hours!” I tried that once and it sounded so ridiculous we both just ended up laughing. Which did end the argument, just not in the way I intended.

We had her baptized on Father’s Day to give John equal time and she’s had him wrapped around her little finger ever since. I remember when she was three I went on a cruise for my job. I was a travel agent, so it really was work. (Sort of.) Brittany wanted to cruise too so she talked John into sleeping on our boat one night. He said he was awake all night because he could hear all the fishermen who fish around our dock casting every few minutes. He was just sure he was going to get hooked!

Brittany of course slept through it all knowing she was safe with Daddy.

I flipped through the photo albums looking at all the places we had taken her these past 20 years. All the things we showed her. Celebrations we shared.

Last week we went to Western for her sorority’s Parent’s weekend. We have toured the campus several times in the past two years, but Brittany has added some activities to her schedule. She took us on a tour of the hotel where she works and introduced us to her boss and co-workers. She took us to a section of the Student Union that houses Greek Life and showed us the office she spends time in each week for one of her committees, and also the Women’s Resources office where she is on another committee. And she showed us where she sits in the boardroom when she leads the weekly Panhellenic meetings.

I love that she is so interested in everything. I love that she is making a contribution and chose all these things on her own.

I read somewhere that children are not blank pages to be written on, but books to read.
I have to say, I am always eager to turn the next page to see what will happen next!

Brittany Learns to Clean

2009-10-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

Apparently Brittany has started cleaning her room at school. I know this because several times when I’ve talked to her on the phone she’s mentioned the fact.

I don’t remember her cleaning her room in the 18 years she lived with me. I thought the reasons she didn’t had to be one of two things: either kids just don’t do that nowadays, or she knew I was such a neat nick I’d pick up after her all the time, so why should she bother?

I got the first idea when we went to a Young Life fundraising dinner at the Country Club a few years ago. The title for the evening was “Welcome to My World” and guests had to make their way into the dining room stepping over teen’s clothes and shoes scattered on the floor. We all felt right at home.

I also thought it could be the second idea because, well, it’s true, I am a neat nick. I have a friend who has had what she calls a “Nancy” drawer for several years. She still only has one because apparently it’s just too much to keep up.

My neighbors will entertain you with stories (somewhat exaggerated) about the lengths I go to keep my yard groomed. And Brittany has her friends convinced I vacuum the roof. (I don’t.)

Last Christmas when I hosted our Sunday School Christmas party I bought a new red tablecloth big enough for our ping pong table, which gets more use as a buffet table then for its original purpose. John offered to iron the folds from the packaging out of it for me. Later I saw that being a master at elimination of extra efforts, he had ironed the cloth while it was still on the ping-pong table.

I was pretty sure that wasn’t a good idea.

After the party I saw that sure enough the table had whitish marks all over the surface. John promised to “do something about it.” Finally on New Year’s Day morning he told me that he had fixed it.

He had pledged it.

And it was very shiny.

That same day Brittany’s friend from college came to visit and they decided to play ping-pong. (Something she has maybe done once in her life, so why that day of all days?) Later she told me that after one serve her friend laid down his paddle and doubled over laughing, saying, “Brittany! Seriously! Your mom waxes the ping pong table?” (May I just insert here: no, No, NO! It wasn’t me! But, that’s the reputation she has given me with her friends!)

So why is she suddenly cleaning her room? Has she finally discovered I am someone to emulate? No. She’s “discovered” the Dollar Store and has had a great time buying all kinds of fun cleaning supplies. With Brittany it’s all about having the cool tools.

We plan on paying her a visit for her sorority’s Parent’s Weekend later this month, and I’ll be anxious to see if her investment in cleaning supplies has been worthwhile, or whether they have only added to the clutter of a college room. Somehow a mess 200 miles away doesn’t bother me near as much as one in my own home. (Who is making progress here?)

Oh, and before anyone asks, since one of my friends already has: no, the ping-pong ball doesn’t seem to bounce higher, faster or farther on a waxed table. And yes, the shininess does eventually wear off.

It takes about a month.

Parenting Takes on a Consulting Role

2009-10-23T18:50:00.001-07:00

I’ve come to the realization that when kids go off to college the parental duties take on more of a consultant role.

When they are babies moms don’t call themselves “the chief cook and bottle washer” for nothing! We do everything for them, most of it not even noticed. As they grow, we take on the jobs of: babysitter, maid, nurse, Sunday school teacher, conscience, playmate and chauffer.

As Brittany entered high school my role shifted to Life Coach. When she would debate trying out for something I would tell her, “You’ll never know if you don’t try!” or “Go for it!” At other times, when she really just wanted to dump, I was the psychiatrist: “Well, how does that make you feel?”

Now in her sophomore year in college, she is staying at school this month for her spring break because she is changing jobs from Subway to working at a hotel in Sylva. She figured she could finish out her two-week notice at Subway and get trained at the hotel all at once if she didn’t have to work around classes. Between the two places she will have worked 85 hours in 8 days!

She is also staying with the hope that when she isn’t working she can catch up on her homework. (I’m not sure how she figured she would do that - in the car maybe driving from one job to the other?)

It would be nice if she could actually get ahead with her homework because she has also gotten herself involved on the Greek Leadership Advisory Council. She has to evaluate all the Greek organizations on their grades, housing, campus involvement, etc. during the month of March and fill out forms about each one.

AND, she is changing her major. She has wanted to be an elementary school teacher since she was 4 years old, but has been minoring in communications since freshman year and now realizes that’s the field she wants to work in. Luckily most of her electives have been in communications so this shouldn’t set her back, but there is a lot of paperwork involved and it does require getting a new advisor. So all in all she is trying to cram a lot into the week all of her friends are lying on a beach somewhere.

So how does this make me her consultant? Because she had pretty much decided this all for herself before she called me. She ran it by me to see if I could see any pros or cons she had missed and I asked some questions, which it turns out she had already thought of and had the answers to. She read me the drafts of the emails she had to send regarding her major change and I couldn’t even find any grammar to correct.

Before she hung up she read me one more thing. An invitation she received to a banquet where she will be honored as a nominee for the “Women who Inspire Hope and Possibility Award” at Western.

I have to admit, that in every one of my mom roles so far, she’s always inspired me!

From Melting Smile to Rolling Eyes

2009-10-22T14:30:00.001-07:00

I talked to Brittany even more often then usual this past month. The radio in her car was broken and she would call to have me entertain her whenever she drove somewhere. The first time she called me and said that I was a little worried. I thought she wanted me to sing and her favorite music is either country or rap!

I’ve recently been trying to remember when I switched from melting smile to rolling eyes when questioned about how she is doing. You know what I mean. When Brittany was two and someone asked me how she was I would smile and gush, “Oh, she’s just great!” At nineteen, given the same question, my usual comeback is rolling my eyes and saying, “You’ll never guess what she’s up to now!” I think it happened in Jr. High, but I’m not sure. I do know it was before she came home for fall break no longer a blonde, but a brunette and it was certainly before she downloaded $60.00 worth of Christmas ring tones on her phone this year.

Brittany just went through her sorority’s initiation week for their new pledges. My sorority called this White Rose Week. (Fraternities call it Hell Week, but sororities tend to be more optimistic).

It was her job to get all the initiation robes dry cleaned before the ceremony. She got them to the cleaners, but unfortunately assumed all cleaners are open on Saturdays because the one we always go to in Hickory is. Saturday morning she drove to the cleaners and it was closed. The initiation ceremony was Sunday.

She tried to find out who owned the cleaners, hoping she could call them at home to help her out, but had no luck. Then she remembered one of her best friends just pledged her same sorority at the University of Georgia in Athens.

The two of them were able to arrange for Brittany to drive the two hours to Athens, pick up enough robes for the ceremony and drive two hours back to school.

Brittany wasn’t going to tell me any of this (to avoid the whole rolling of the eye thing I’m sure), but she was so taken with her quick tour of UGA she had to call me to tell me about the campus and that sorority house.

And then since I knew and she had me on the phone anyway she figured she might as well have the entertainment for the return trip.

Growing up?

2009-10-21T18:19:00.000-07:00

I’ve noticed some changes in Brittany this year. She has always been pretty independent, mature and self-sufficient. Being an only child she’s been comfortable around adults since she was a little girl. Sometimes I even felt like she was the parent and I was the kid when she would blow me away with her insightfulness about some situation.

But, then she’d do something childish and I would relax realizing I still had some mothering to do.

This year she has been showing a lot more responsibility. I think part of it is she’s gotten so involved at school. She’s really made a place for herself. I love that while she’s on the phone with me she gets interrupted a dozen times by friends saying hi. I love that she’s so excited to tell me all about the girls her sorority just pledged, or the event she was just at or some plans she has coming up.

I even love when she complains that her roommate keeps trying to talk to her when she has a paper to write! It means she’s actually studying!

She’s also in a bit of a sink or swim situation this semester. She is taking 19 credit hours, working 25 hours a week at Subway and is active in both her sorority and Sophomore Leadership Institute. On top of that she was just elected Panhellenic president, (the council overseeing all the sororities on campus) which is pretty impressive for a sophomore. With all of this she’s really had to focus and work hard.

And it doesn’t leave her much time for mistakes.

However she’s made a few and that’s where I’ve seen not only her growth in maturity, but also the “little girl” still inside.

On the one hand she’s still not very good at managing her money. (OK, she’s not good at it at all.) When she was home over break and working at Jersey Mike’s three people from her bank came in one day for lunch. She told me later that when she recognized them coming in the door her heart stopped for a second because she thought they had come to arrest her!

I told her I didn’t think people get thrown in jail for overdrawing their account, even if they do do it three times. Besides, she paid the bank a total of $102.00 in overdraft charges for it. Punishment enough if you ask me!

Where I have seen her growth in the money area though is when she signed up for a credit card she actually read the terms and conditions! I know this because she called to ask me what I thought one of the statements meant.

I told her it would be better to call the credit card company, unwilling to admit my eyes glaze over when someone hands me a contract of any kind. (I don’t even read recipes! I just look at the ingredients, most of which I substitute for something else!)

She also showed responsibility when her cell phone broke. She didn’t ask us what to do about it. She just ordered a new one. Of course she got a pink razr and put it on her new credit card because she was broke. But, hey, just a semester ago she would have put it on her bank debit card and overdrawn her account. Again.

After asking us if we were proud of her being elected Panhellenic President she told us she needs a Vera Bradley bag for the position because she has so many notebooks to take to the meetings. I reminded her she has a Vera Bradley tote. (Or four or five) She said that none of them are big enough. I asked her what about her Alpha Gam tote? She said she didn’t feel right carrying her sorority letters to a mixed group of Greek women. John suggested she use some of the Wal-Mart bags from her many shopping trips there.

She didn’t even bother to answer that one. But, she did say she would save up for a tote and buy it herself.

Save up? Hey! Maybe we are making progress!

Thanksgiving Togetherness

2009-10-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

Brittany, John and I had a good chance to bond over Thanksgiving weekend. We drove to my family’s in Chicago. This is the first time we’ve ever made the drive. In the past we’ve always flown, but we thought it made sense to pick Brittany up at school on the way and drop her off on the way back. And since friends who had made the trip before had told us it was only a 12-hour drive we thought it would be a great chance for uninterrupted family time.

12 hours is a long time! Especially since it didn’t include the side trip we made from I-40 to Cullowhee, which added another hour and a half to the trip. And our family time didn’t end up being uninterrupted.

Our bonding took place between Brittany’s phone calls with friends. After a while we joked that she sounded like a switchboard operator: “Hold please, I have another call coming in.” It was sort of fun to listen in. Two of her friends would call every 10 to 15 minutes, so we had a running commentary of how their day was going. But, the conversation between the 3 of us in between calls was pretty much Brittany repeating the conversations with her friends, which we had pretty much heard all of anyway.

The drive still didn’t go fast and we were sort of dreading the return trip. Especially since we were staying in Chicago long enough Sunday for a baby shower for my niece and wouldn’t leave there until 2 p.m. (You do the math!)

We were really surprised to get a call from a friend of Brittany’s that Saturday offering to pick her up at exit 31 off of I-40 Sunday night so John and I could save that extra hour and a half! (Actually the call didn’t surprise us – he was one who had been calling her every 15 minutes all weekend long, but the offer and just the fact that he thought of it was a surprise! A pleasant surprise!) We were really appreciative, especially as it got later and later Sunday. First we were delayed getting out of Illinois because of two tollbooths that had traffic backed up and then slowed down again in Kentucky by seven speed traps!

Her friend remained chipper with every call that moved our 12:15 ETA back until eventually it ended up at 1:45 a.m. After a while he began watching our progress on the internet letting us know where we were as Brittany called out exit numbers and mile markers. He told her when we got to Gatlinburg he would leave to meet us. I don’t know how he figured it out so well, but it was perfect: he arrived at our meeting spot just minutes before us!

As it got later and later we had joked about just doing a rolling stop and tossing Brittany and her stuff out the window, but she had so much stuff we figured it would take several passes-by to get it all out.

So we stopped, lightened our load, thanked our white knight profusely and drove the last 2 hours in comfortable silence back to our little empty nest; grateful that we had had time together and grateful that she loves school and her friends.

Helicopter Parents

2009-10-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

There’s a new title for those baby boomers that are parents of college kids – Helicopter Parents. Apparently we “hover.”

“Colleges complain that the millennials (kids born after 1982), as a group, lack problem-solving and decision making skills, have an inability to speak for themselves, little common sense, and feelings of being overly pressured to succeed. And they blame it all on “hovering” parents.” Said Sherry Anderson, editor of Kappa Delta Sorority’s Angelos magazine.

What I find so funny about this is that from the day these kids started kindergarten, parents have been encouraged (begged!) to be involved. We were guilty if we weren’t room mothers, proctors, chaperones, tutors, helped out in the school store or sold concessions at the football games.

We left work in the middle of the day to attend their talent shows, bring them a change of clothes or take them home if their temperature rose above the norm. We bought boxes of Kleenex and supplies for the classrooms and Christmas presents for the teachers.

Suddenly our kids go off to college and we no longer exist!

John and I went to Brittany’s parent’s weekend recently at Western Carolina and there weren’t very many parents there. In fact before we arrived she called to tell us we were being shared by a group of her friends.

I’m pretty sure the reason for the lack of parental presence was that the invitation came to the house addressed to Brittany Geiger. Not even “To the parents of Brittany Geiger”!

Apparently they thought helicopter parents read their kids mail.

I can understand why professors with 500 kids in their lectures wouldn’t want every student’s parent calling, emailing and texting their questions about Johnny’s test grade or Susan’s homework.

When I was in college it would have had to be pretty serious for my mom to make a long distant phone call to one of my teachers. Today there are dozens of cheap fast ways to make contact about every little thing.

But, still, it’s an odd feeling after managing your kid’s life for 18 years to be cut off. We can’t even see her grades without her password and permission. For a while I didn’t think they even had grades in college anymore! Even the financial information goes to her – which is kind of a joke, since we are writing the checks!

The only group at the school who has somehow tracked us down is the group that sells the baskets of goodies to be delivered to “your student” at exams. They write that they want 100% participation.

I always throw those letters away. If the school is sending something with my name on it, it can’t be important.

Snail Mail for College Kids a Thing of the Past

2009-10-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

Just a couple hours before heading back to college for her sophomore year, Brittany met up with a few friends for lunch downtown. She came back with a $20.00 parking ticket.

I thought that was really steep and felt sorry for her as she pulled out her brand new checkbook and wrote her very first check ever. To the police department. She said it would be adding insult to injury if she had to go to the station to pay it on her way out of town, so she left the check with us.

I ran into the mayor at a party a week or so later and told him I thought that was an awful lot for just a parking ticket. He said, “If it makes you feel any better I got a $20.00 ticket too that I had to pay.”

It didn’t make me feel any better and I’m not sure why he thought it would.

Oh, well, it did give me an excuse to actually send Brittany some mail: the receipt from paying the ticket.

When I was in college I wrote letters to everyone and therefore got a lot back. My freshman roommate never wrote letters, so her mailbox was always empty. One day we went to the mailroom together and I had a stack and she as usual had none.

Feeling sorry for her, I pulled the letter off the top of my pile, which happened to be from my Grandparents, and said, “Here, you can have this one.” She opened it and it had a $5.00 bill inside! Rats!

The college kids today rarely get any mail unless you count the credit card pitches, which I don’t. Questioning a gentleman who works in the local college mailroom, he told me that the drop in mail over the years has been significant. No one feels they need it as long as they have email, IM, text messaging and unlimited cell phone minutes.

I think it’s kind of sad though. I kept all the letters my husband sent me in college and he has all that I sent him. Just for the record I sent him a lot more then he sent me! I also sent him lots of cards, letters cut up into puzzles, decorated envelopes, cartoons and newspaper articles. A friend of mine who’s son is at West Point told me that if a cadet has anything on the envelope of a letter he receives except for the address, return address and a flag stamp, (yes, it has to be a flag stamp!) he has to do pushups!

John would have had to do a lot of pushups if that rule had been in place when he was a cadet! Come to think of it, my letters may have caused the rule!

It’s still fun to stumble upon the box of letters every couple years and re-read them. I wonder what these kids will keep for memories? Won’t they eventually have to erase their text messages and delete their emails?

Hopefully they’ll at least save their love emails (see? That doesn’t even sound as good as love letters!) Maybe they can put them on a disc and put that in a decorated envelope and stick it in a box…..

Back to School The Start of Sophomore Year

2009-10-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

I’m slipping. Not only did John and I not drive Brittany back to school for her sophomore year last week, but I allowed her to leave in an incredibly disorganized fashion. I’ve decided sophomore year is kind of like the second child. You know you don’t need to do certain things and you don’t take as many pictures.

We had decided we didn’t need to take her this year for a lot of reasons: she already had her room in the sorority house from last spring, everything she needed to take fit in her car, if we went we would be in a separate car for the two hour drive so not spending quality time with her anyway and we knew she would want to run off with her friends the minute we got there.

I did, however plan on helping her pack.

Somehow that never really happened.

She had gone to Charleston with some friends the weekend before and worked Monday and Tuesday. We decided we would do all of her laundry Monday night, move everything going out of her room Tuesday night and pack her car Wednesday morning. At least that was the plan.

Due to a last minute babysitting job and several “farewells” for other friends she said she would do her own laundry around 2 a.m. Monday night and everything else Wednesday morning. I said fine and asked her to wash some of my whites with hers.

She said she wasn’t going to do a white load. She was going to cram everything she had into one big load.

I told her my whites could wait.

Wednesday morning I finally heard her rummaging around upstairs about 10 a.m. An hour later she headed out to meet some friends downtown for a lunch break. Assuming that “break,” meant she had actually done something, I thought “ok”. After she left I went up to her room and saw how wrong I was. The closet and drawers did seem empty because the room was strewn with clothes, but nothing was folded or even looked clean. I was pretty sure she had spent the morning on the computer and phone.

Gritting my teeth I began pulling out suitcases and folding clothes. By the time she returned I had made a dent and she and her dad began carrying things to her car. I had pictured a box of school supplies, a box of shoes, clean folded clothes packed neatly into suitcases, and bath and cosmetic products in little plastic matching containers.

Instead I watched an armload of dirty clothes (which had been hidden under the bed) get tossed into a box of room decorations, shampoo bottles and 4 single shoes get thrown on top of the clothes I had managed to fold, papers gathered up without even looking to see if they were something she needed and stuffed into an empty purse. And it all got carted down to the car where it was pretty much tossed inside.

After waving her off I headed up to clean what was left of her room and the first thing I found when I opened her bathroom cabinet were the other 4 single shoes.

I suppose it could be worse. A friend of mine said his son forgot his alarm clock and called his mom to ask her to call back and wake him up at 8 a.m. so he wouldn’t miss his class! Brittany at least has figured out she can use her cell phone as an alarm.

Do College Kids Still Need Their Parents?

2009-10-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

Aside from putting a roof over their heads and paying the tuition, do college kids still need their parents?

Earning their own money will make kids independent faster then anything else.

This summer Brittany has had so many jobs I’ve barely seen her. She worked weekdays for the Jackson Group downtown and loved getting dressed up and working in an office. She worked evenings and weekends at Jersey Mikes and she has had back to back house sitting and dog sitting weeks. She has watered plants, taken in mail and newspapers, walked dogs and babysat.

Because of her constant motion, which often included spending up to two weeks away from our house (although she always came home to use her own shower - only a pile of wet towels on the floor let us know anyone had been there) I’ve had very little say in her life this summer.

She’s done really well with everything. At least as far as I know she didn’t get mixed up and make sandwiches for the Jackson Group, or water any dogs. She did however water the outdoor plants at 6 a.m. one morning for people who didn’t go on vacation until the following day, but, hey, they got a bonus!

I got so used to her never asking me for help anymore I was surprised one Saturday afternoon when John and I were having lunch in Blowing Rock. He answered his cell phone and it was Brittany who had taken a weekend off to visit friends in Charlotte for the Brad Paisley concert.

I saw John’s brow furrow and immediately thought, “Oh, no, she’s had an accident.” Then I heard him say, “Well, you’d better ask mom about that.” And I thought, “She wants to go somewhere or do something he knows I won’t like.”

What happened though was she and her friend had bought facemasks and when they took them off their faces were bright red! She asked me what to do. (I admit I did raise her to believe moms knew everything.) She sent me a picture over the phone of the two girls in their facemasks. It looked like something out of Silence of the Lambs. Really creepy! Then a picture of their faces without the masks. They were red.

It’s nice to feel needed. But, I realized that at this point in life it was more important to show her where to get the answers herself. I told her to look on the box for the 800 number and call customer service and ask what to do.

But, still, it is nice to know she thought of me first.

Text or Talk?

2009-10-05T17:20:00.000-07:00

Some people seem to think that with all the text messaging and Instant Messaging (IMing) teens do, they are losing their ability to talk!

I recently read that Virgin Mobile is coming out with something called “Switch Back”, kind of a Blackberry with AOL IM. The company’s owner was quoted as saying “We really think that text is the new talk.” Apparently 25% of their teen customers text more than talk on their phones.

Not only that; but the author of Parenting the Millennial Generation wrote that teens have the ability to have multiple conversations through multiple technologies.

He said,"This generation uses technology to facilitate relationships and interactions in a way other generations never have. They are talking on a cell phone, IMing somebody, playing Xbox and having three or four parallel conversations, while maybe ignoring someone else sitting in the same room.”

Brittany definitely “texts” a lot. In fact she’s gotten her dad into it too. Every night this past school year which ever of the two went to bed first would text the other “I Love U more than anything” …and John saves them all!

One morning this summer I was reading the paper and Brittany picked up John’s phone and started going through the saved messages. At one point she held up a picture of the odometer of her car and said, “I sent dad this when my car hit 15,000 miles!”

She also told me that roommates at school often text each other – while in the same dorm room! Recently I walked in to see Brittany and two girls on the couch watching a movie, all holding their laptops. They were IMing each other – I asked her later why? She said they didn’t want to talk out loud and interrupt the movie.

But, she is after all a girl. And it is well known that women are relational creatures, happiest sharing with others, and this can’t always be by text messages because some of their friends and relatives (me) don’t text message. So Brittany talks…and talks.

Two of my best friends also have only children, but they each have a boy and they are fascinated by how much Brittany talks. They tell me they get more information out of her in 10 minutes then they get out of their sons in a month. One day she went out the door on her way to work talking on her phone to a friend in Charlotte and 8 hours later walked back in talking to the same person. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the phone had never been hung up in between.

When Brittany was in 4th grade her class was learning about adjectives. The teacher would call out a student’s name and the others were supposed to raise their hands and give an adjective that described that person. When Brittany’s name was called out, every hand went up. The teacher called on one boy who said, “Talkative.”

Every other hand went down. He had taken their word.

The Empty Nest Fills Back Up Again, or How Long is Summer?

2009-10-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

Brittany came home in May for her summer break. I had braced myself because I remembered my first night home from Freshman year when my mom told me not to stay up too late because I had to work the next day, and how I thought, “great, summer is going to be all rules and restrictions after a year of freedom!”

I don’t remember what I actually said to my mom, but Brittany told me she stays up until all hours at school and why was it more important for her to be well rested for a summer job then for her classes?

I was warned that when college kids come home they invariably think their parents aren’t quite as intelligent as they once believed. Sure enough, within the first 24 hours Brittany said something along the lines of she knew better because she was in college.

Her dad squelched that pretty fast by telling her he has an MBA, her mom has a BS and she, Brittany has one year of college.

The first night she got home I stayed up helping her unpack. I knew if I didn’t she would live out of a suitcase all summer.

I was in her closet folding all her t-shirts: making a stack of white ones, a stack of pink ones, a stack of black ones, etc. when out of the corner of my eye I saw her carry a suitcase to her underwear drawer, turn it upside down, dump the whole thing in and close it with her knee.

She caught me watching her and said, “You can do what you want in my closet, but this is the way I like this drawer. I decided at school it’s less stressful.”

How can a mess not be stressful? But, I let it go. Until a few days later when I was carrying up a load of perfectly folded clean laundry. I put everything away, but the underwear. I opened the drawer and looked from my neat stack to her heap. I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew if I just laid it on her bed, she would sleep in the bed and make it in the morning and the laundry would still be there. Should I just toss the nicely folded stuff into the drawer in a jumble? Should I fold the rest of the clothes in her drawer after all and risk stressing her?

All of a sudden I caught sight of a picture on her dresser of me holding her when she was a baby. I thought about how fast time goes by and how short the summer will end up being.

I set my pile neatly down in the middle of her heap and closed the drawer.

Sorority Girl

2009-10-02T19:20:00.001-07:00

Brittany pledged a sorority right after Christmas break and moved into the Alpha Gamma Delta (AGD) house. I wish she could have been a Kappa Delta like I was so I could have passed my pin down to her. They don’t have KDs at Western Carolina, so she settled for taking my pearls. (The AGD “jewel”)

After she joined I dug out my diaries from college. Yes, I had diaries from about first grade until my senior year in college! Mostly I wanted to see how much of Greek life is the same as when I was in school and how much is different.

A lot is the same. For instance Brittany participated in Sigma Chi’s Derby Days. (The fraternity schedules all kinds of crazy daily events that the sororities take part in to get points and at the end of the week the sorority with the most points wins.) And there I was each year in the pages of my diaries going to jump on trampolines, help build beds on wheels to push around sorority circle and participate in field events for points.

And there are the same bonfires, parties, IHop runs in the middle of the night, mom’s weekends, song practices, (although they have a CD of their songs to learn from) long chapter meeting – which seems to be universally on Monday nights. In fact every Monday in my diary I would write, “Chapter lasted until 8:30 tonight – ugh!” or “We had elections tonight and chapter lasted until 11:00, I thought I was going to die.”

Also all the time spent sitting outside or in each other’s rooms talking, laughing, eating popcorn…

John and I went out for her initiation dinner in March. The girls were all in white dresses just like I was years ago for my initiation. She’s buying AGD t-shirts for every special event just like I did, (although hers cost about five times more then mine did!)

One major difference is we used to have house phone duty. The house had phones on every floor and one girl was assigned each night to take calls. Each member had her own buzz code and if it was long distance; that buzz was followed by a solid stream of buzzes. I’m not even sure Brittany’s sorority has a house phone since they all have cell phones.

I don’t know what she would do without her cell. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 7:40 a.m. I get her first call of the day. It is my job at that time to keep her company as she walks to her 8:00 class. Then I get another one at 9:00 to accompany her to next class! I like that she multi tasks, but she won’t let me do the same. If I start moving around while we’re talking; making the bed or whatever and have to hold the phone under my chin, she can tell and says, “Nancy, pay attention to me!” (Yes, she calls me Nancy. I would say it’s an only child thing, but really it’s a Brittany thing.)

One byproduct of reading my diaries; I realized I needed to stop giving her such a hard time about some things. Staying up ‘til all hours, skipping a class here and there or even about grades. I found I had her beat in all areas! When I first started reading my diaries I thought I would let Brittany read them this summer. By the time I got to my sophomore year though I thought I should probably bury them in the backyard!

Once I started reading I couldn’t put them down. Every night I would be reading way past midnight. One night John woke up, looked at the clock and said, “You’re still up?” I said, “I have to see what happens!”

He patted me on the shoulder as he rolled over and said, “Don’t worry too much, I happen to know it has a happy ending.”

The College Boyfriend

2009-10-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

Brittany went to her first fraternity formal last December. That really brought back memories for me and it was fun to see how they haven’t really changed. I wanted all the details, which Brittany, as usual, was more then happy to share.

Her dad, however, didn’t quite get it. He went to West Point and the dances there were very different. Fraternities often hold their formals in another town at a hotel. West Pointers have theirs on post at Ike Hall and there are student “guards” who walk around to make sure the couples aren’t dancing too close!

So, after each thing Brittany would tell us, I had to tell John, “It’s ok, we used to do that too.”

We started almost immediately after that to hear about the guy who took her to the dance. I’ll be like the people who write into Dear Abby here when they say, “my husband…let’s call him…Stanley” and I’ll just call the college boyfriend CB from now on. Brittany would call us after almost every time she talked to him. Her favorite word to describe people is precious, so that became our vision of him. We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he was precious! She also said he was “frat chic”. (Don’t ask.)

Over the Christmas break she sat down at the kitchen table with me, looked me in the eye and said, “You know how you always hear that when a girl is really close to her dad she looks for a guy just like him?” I was thinking, “Oh, John is going to love this!” Then she went on, “Well, CB and dad have exactly the same cell phone!” (Yea! She’s ready for a serious relationship!)

They went shopping in Asheville for new clothes for him right before spring break. She sent a picture on her camera phone of the still folded shirt and tie to her dad’s phone. He sent one back of the inside of our empty refrigerator and said “buy food before you come home!”

Over break she and CB probably averaged a couple hundred text messages a day. When they weren’t doing that they were on the phone or sending messages through the computer. She spent the last weekend visiting his family in Charlotte and then they came here that Sunday for lunch before driving back to school.

It was fun to meet him and cute to watch them. In high school when she was on a date we wouldn’t see much of them. They sort of went through our house on their way somewhere else. But, this time they came to visit us! For the first time, my daughter felt like a guest in our house! But, it was fun and just like spending time with another adult set of friends.

The next weekend they went back to his house in Charlotte to take something to his parent’s house and left there around 10:30 p.m. Saturday night to drive back to school.

As they got in the car CB said to Brittany, “Do you want to stop by your parents to say hi?” (A positive sign I guess. I think he likes us too!) So they arrived at 11:30 and stayed until a little after 1 a.m. I tried to get them to spend the night, but they assured me they would much rather stay up late to drive back then get up early to do it! It felt just a tiny bit funny to have him say as they left, “We’ll come back soon for a weekend.” Almost like our lives had changed overnight.

But, I think I’m liking this…

Invading Their Space

2009-10-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

Within minutes of walking through the door when Brittany comes home on a college break or for a weekend, her laptop gets turned on, set up and logged on to Facebook. I always ask her why she came home when all she did was “talk” to her friends back at school. (To her benefit she doesn’t say laundry.)

Facebook is a popular website, which until recently was only open to college students and alumni with a school email address, Brittany has 901 friends scattered all over the country. (I know this because every time we get together she shows them to me – after all they have put new pictures on and added funny new quotes since the last time she showed me!)

She told me once that it was hard to leave the site and said “I know what every one of my friends is doing this minute by their away messages!” The kids work hard at leaving interesting away messages!

My Space is probably the better-known site though. NPR reported on a program about MySpace.com that online communities are replacing malls where kids hang out. USA Today reported that My Space has become the dominant force in the social networking sphere. They have over 200 million members. In fact, one of the two founders, Tom, had 230,004,827 friends the last time I looked. (He comes with every person’s My Space page when they join). Do you suppose he makes his mom scroll through all his friends? His personal page has 793605 comments. Things like “You are my hero!”

I’ve seen all this because I joined MySpace.com too. Yep. Adults are members too. In fact it is well known that it’s a great place for people with online stores to advertise. (Which is why I’m there.) It takes awhile to figure it out. And there is a lot you just have to ignore. The site itself is kind of junky and at times incredibly slow, but you can post free classified ads, join groups (everything from fitness enthusiasts, vegetarians, sororities, fraternities, schools, “over 40s”, shopping addicts and a lot I wouldn’t want my mother to catch me looking at! (And I don’t!) You can also listen to new bands, download music, add music to your homepage, play games, rank friends from pictures they submit and blog.

Any adult who thinks there is something wrong with this hasn’t been on too many online forums. I read several different business related ones regularly and all of them have the ability for their members to join groups, private message other members, put people on their buddy list, add a picture and even a profile about themselves which include hobbies and interests. We seem to be a world of people looking for connection.

I wasn’t really thinking about Brittany when I was surfing around MySpace.com. I was pretty sure she was a member, but knew she spent most of her time and energy on keeping Facebook up to date. But, one day I typed her name into the “search for friends” bar and there she was in her low cut red formal. I typed a message to her: “Hi, I’m here to promote my site – what are you promoting? Mom”

I’m not on the site very much at all and really haven’t done much to my page. The only reason I put my picture on it was because the default picture was one of those head silhouettes like the police shoot at for target practice. Brittany’s page (besides the picture in that dress) has music and pink and brown polka dots!

She doesn’t mind me being there. She even asked to be on my “friend” list. (one of my 8…the rest are some of her sorority sisters and of course Tom.) In fact she also asked that I send her messages through MySpace.com rather then her regular email. She says they are easier and faster to get and respond to.

She has changed her picture though to one where she’s wearing an aqua sweater!

College Students Should Be Poor!

2009-09-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

I got so much feed back from my story about Brittany wanting a tattoo! One person emailed me, “Does Brittany know that tattoos are PERMANENT?” in very large font and then went on to suggest that pink and blue sharpies would work just as well!

Her aunt emailed to ask if Brittany knew she wouldn’t be able to give blood for a couple months. (and Brittany gives blood every chance she gets.)

A very sweet lady stopped me after church and said, “I’ve been meaning to ask you about your daughter? Have you checked her over? I hope she doesn’t get a tattoo!” I told her so far Brittany hadn’t been able to save enough money for one and she replied, “Then don’t give her any money!”

I’m probably safe. Brittany is not and never has been a saver. She has babysat since she was 11 years old and worked for Jersey Mikes Subs for two years in high school. She also has housesat, pet sat and plant sat! She has always made good money, but it goes out as fast as it comes in. Seriously, she made a lot of money over Christmas break and was broke within three days of returning to school!

Part of it, I can’t fault her. She is very generous and buys very nice gifts for people. She also has been known to call her dad on her way home and tell him not to have lunch; she’s bringing him one. She has brought me flowers, treated me to manicures and taken me out to many lunches all for no other reason then she thought of it and felt like it.

However she’s feeling the pinch in college. And she doesn’t like it much. We had told her we didn’t want her working her Freshman year and that we would put a certain amount of money into her bank account every week. This is supposed to happen every Friday. Usually about Wednesday the call comes, “Could you transfer the money a little early?”

The first time this happened she said she had no money to put gas in her car. But, she had bought an orchid for her dorm room!

We have a family phone plan and a couple months ago were stunned to see a charge for $49.00 worth of text messages! While we were still staring at the bill in wonder though and saying, “This is ridiculous! Why is she doing this?” John’s phone received a text message…. from Brittany…saying, “I “heart” you, dad.” And of course dad says, “We can’t take her text messaging away!” (We have since paid to put her on the unlimited plan!)

The thing is college kids don’t know how to be poor anymore! They have way too much stuff: refrigerators, microwaves, laptops, futons,

In our first house while living in Germany we made a bookshelf from concrete blocks and boards. I always remember when the German packers were packing up our stuff to move back to the states and seeing boxes labeled “rocks”. (Yes, your tax dollars moved my “rocks” across the ocean!)

But, where is the satisfaction that someday after eating Ramon noodles for years while going after that medical degree they realize that as a doctor you can buy a restaurant or two!

What will they have to look back at as a measure of how far they’ve come? Already they drive nicer cars then their parents!!

We’re doing our best to teach Brittany there is a lot of fun to be had as a poor starving college student.

At least it keeps her from that tattoo!

To purchase the hat above, shop HERE

Parenting your College Student – or Saying No Long Distance

2009-09-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

When people used to tell me that the reason I was involved in so much was because I didn’t know how to say no, I would joke, “Of course I can say no! I’m a mother! I can say no without hearing the question!”

It’s a good thing I got all that practice!

Brittany called me during her second week at college to tell me that two of her good friends who were attending different schools from hers had gotten their noses pierced! I have known both of these girls since early grade school and neither is the type I would expect to do this. But, I knew Brittany wasn’t telling me this just to pass the news along. With teenagers there is always a hidden agenda.

And it’s not that she wanted to get her nose pierced herself!

No, it was the beginning of a different campaign.

She loves to take pictures and when she does, she puts them online in folders to share with people. When she sends them to me she makes sure we are both on the phone looking at them at the same time so she can tell me about her new friends.

“Look, Mom! That’s my friend Andrea. I went with her when she got her tongue pierced!”
“She pierced her tongue?” “UH! You took a picture of her tongue???”
“And, Mom, look where Taylor pierced her ear. I think it’s cute! Have you ever seen anyone pierce that part of the ear before?”

Actually I hadn’t. It’s the part of the ear that holds your iPod earbuds in. You know, the part that looks like it would really hurt if you put a hole in it!

Brittany has three holes in each ear (all around the rims) and I’m pretty sure she’s happy with that. So where was she going with all of this?

Tattoos! Yup! Christmas break freshman year she was home for a whole month. She planned to babysit and save the money to get a “small, tasteful tattoo.” (I personally don’t think those words go together.) When she was telling me about it she suggested a tiny pink cross. I told her pink would look like a scar. She said, “Well, maybe teal then.” I wrinkled up my nose.

I told her I would write about this for the newspaper. She said “Wait till I get it and I’ll take a picture of the tattoo to include!” I know she could get one in a place I would never see. I also know Brittany is incapable of keeping a secret from me! So we are at a friendly standoff….it could be a whole lot worse!

Can They Come Home Again?

2009-09-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

Brittany made her first visit home from Western Carolina University for her fall break in October. It was also the first time she had made the drive by herself and although we told her to use MapQuest for directions, I don’t think she had them with her. John got a call on his cell that afternoon and heard her voice say, “Quick! Hendersonville or Asheville?” Luckily he is quick and realizing she was coming up to an exit, (and most likely very fast) said Asheville!” She replied, “Thanks!” and hung up.

She brought all her laundry. All. Toward the end of her stay while I was on the fifth or sixth load I mentioned there couldn’t be much left in her dorm room. “There’s none!” she replied proudly, “I even brought the T-shirts I hadn’t worn yet because they were all wrinkled in my drawers and I knew you’d smooth and fold them”!

She seemed to have a great week. I marveled at her executive skills as she juggled phone calls, putting different friends on hold while finalizing all their plans like a giant jigsaw puzzle. She managed to see everyone she wanted to and still get some sleep!

The only complaint I heard was actually overheard when she told a friend of mine, “I knew I was home when I opened the refrigerator. They have no food in the house! There was milk, carrots and some yoghurt that I put in there two months ago! I have more food in my dorm room then they have in their whole house! I should have brought them food!” (I haven’t taught her my secret talent of making meals out of nothing yet. It never ceases to amaze John.) Not that she was home for more then one dinner in the five days anyway!

She was back again for Thanksgiving and since we spent most of that long weekend at her aunt’s in DC, the refrigerator was still empty when she arrived. But, she had one day here before heading back to school and we spent it decorating the house for Christmas and making our own turkey dinner so we could have leftovers, which I packed up for her, because she told me the kids at school said they always bring Thanksgiving leftovers back with them. “That’s what’s done!” She left me with the decorating about 5 minutes after we started to visit different friends and then left on Sunday in a whirlwind. At least she took the 6 pairs of shoes that spent the weekend at our inside garage door!

I figured out fast, or maybe just remembered from when I was in college; it’s best to just let them go. They will be the first to tell you that no one at college tells them what time to go to bed so for short breaks let them make their own plans. You can deal with the rules and chores when they’re home for the whole summer. For now just ask if they had fun when they come in and listen to their answers, knowing that the house can’t get too messy in a weekend or a week and you can get it back to normal after they’re gone again.

Because after all when they are gone is your new normal.

The Competition Of Parent's Weekend

2009-09-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

I went to my first college parent’s weekend this month. As a parent that is, I’ve been to plenty as a student. I started to feel the edge of competitiveness a couple weeks before when Brittany mentioned that a friend’s parents had been up to visit that weekend and had filled her friend’s refrigerator and left her a big check. The next week she mentioned that her roommate had gone home for the weekend and came back “stocked up”. I didn’t ask what she was stocked up with, because I didn’t want Brittany to know I was catching the hints.

But, we arrived at Western Carolina University early that Saturday morning with a big Halloween basket filled with goodies, a sack of Halloween decorations for her dorm room since she had told me the dorm was going to have a decorating contest and invite local kids in to trick or treat, and a pair of earrings we had picked up for her on a trip to Blowing Rock, a cute town in the North Carolina mountains, the weekend before.

There were parents everywhere. All were carrying huge loads of things into the dorms. It almost seemed like moving in day all over again!

Ok, so maybe I hadn’t brought as much stuff as they did, but we would have so much fun that she would beg us to come back the next time! We took a picnic to Dillsboro which was having an antiques festival and was all decorated for fall. It was charming and fun. Well maybe more my kind of fun then hers….so after the picnic I bought her a window decoration she liked for her room.

From there we took her to a play, “The Complete History of America, (Abridged)” which she was suppose to see and write a paper about for her theater class, but had waited for us to come and buy the tickets. It was a very funny play. At least her dad and I thought so.

Finally after much talk about how the money on her meal card would certainly not last until the end of the semester, we took her shopping. Somehow among the boxes of macaroni and cans of soup she managed to sneak in a new coffee maker (her other one was too small), more shelves, beauty supplies, gum, and cases of diet coke. (Now she looked like she was having fun!)

Then we took her out to dinner – her choice – which was “anywhere she wouldn’t have been able to afford on her own.” After fixing some problems with her computer and putting all her new supplies away we headed back to Hickory with the hoped for words ringing in our heads, “Today was great! You guys should come up more often.”

Which we will, as soon as we’ve paid this time off!

In these days of cell phones, emails and instant messages, can the nest really be empty?

2009-09-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

We took our one and only child to college this week. I ended up doing most of the packing myself. I gave her a cooler to sort through her bathroom of beauty products and came up an hour later to find her with a green mask on her face and marveling over all the great earrings she forgot she had! That’s because inspite of three earring holders she usually tosses the ones she takes off into the back of the drawer.

It was faster for me to pack for her!

I too found lots of things in her room I’d been missing – mostly silverware! I guess I really did have a 12 piece setting! I’d begun to think I’d only bought an 8 piece set!

We loaded up her car and ours and made the two hour drive to Western Carolina University. The kids starting college now are the Millennials. 81 million young Americans born after 1982.

An article in my sorority’s magazine, ‘The Angelos’ said, “they’ve never watched TV without a remote, can’t remember a world without cell phones and think first of their computers when they hear the word ‘virus’. Barbie always had a job, spam and cookies are not necessarily food and popcorn is always cooked in a microwave.”

Raised by their baby boomer parents who doted on them these kids were given every opportunity. They grew up feeling wanted and valued by parents who were heavily involved in their lives – even when they went off to college, which the group began doing in 2000.

The Boomers and Milleniums are tight. Lucky for us all there are so many ways to keep in touch!

When I went off to college I got a weekly letter from my mom and sometimes a care package to which she would add mail that came for me at home. My dad would call occasionally from work, usually when I needed airline reservations to fly home for breaks. (He worked for United Airlines.)

John and I were still in the car on our way home from Western when Brittany called the first time. There was an answering machine message on our phone when we got home. The next morning John said he had heard from her again. I asked if she had called and he sheepishly said, “I IM’d her.” (This from someone who’s always believed IMing corrupted computers!)

She had mail here when we got home. We scanned it and emailed it to her, then I tossed the hard copies in a basket in case she wants to touch it when she comes home.

Well, I’d better get back to cleaning her room. I thought it would be a treat to have it clean for longer then five minutes. And I don’t really mind – I’ve already found two pair of earrings and a cute shirt she left that I’m going to borrow!

The beginning of it all

2009-09-23T16:18:00.000-07:00

My only child, Brittany, went away to college 4 years ago and I began writing about what it was like to parent a child long distance. 2 local newspapers printed my stories monthly and people began sharing with me stories that they thought of after reading my articles.

Brittany just graduated and I decided to put all my "Brittany stories" into a blog. I hope you enjoy them and I hope you will comment and share your stories too!